.05
"What are you doing here?" I ask. My heartbeat goes crazy.
He smiles. A real smile. All teeth. His tongue pokes out between them. "Why'd you run out last night?"
My cheeks burn. I look down. Its now that I notice the feeling in my stomach; the uneasiness. "Sorry."
"That's not an answer," He replies easily. I'm studying my shoes. They used to be white. Now they're dirt stained, almost black. I need new ones.
I feel fingers on my chin. I look up. Zayn guides my chin up, his cool fingers pressing into my skin. They're rough and dry, like sandpaper. Somehow I like it. "Chandler?"
I look behind him. At the vacant street on the outskirts of NYC. "I..." I stammer. What do I say? You made me feel something for the first time in months and threatened to tear down my walls, which scares the shit out of me? Yeah, no.
"Where are you?" He asks. His voice is gentle. Concerned. It brings me back, to right now. His eyes are a chestnut brown. I could melt in them and be okay. I want to melt in them. To not have worries, responsibilities, feelings.
"I don't know." I answer truthfully. My voice cracks. It's ugly, disgusting. I'm disgusted with myself. Tears are blocking my vision. Makes Zayn blurry.
My fingers twitch. Just one pill, and I'd be okay. Everything would be okay.
His fingers are still caressing my chin. He moves his hand to the place between my neck and shoulder. It's warm, safe. "Come back to me," He whispers. Like he knows where I am. Like he could bring me back. I'm already gone again.
I can't say anything. My throat has a frog in it.
I'm in his arms. Zayn's hugging me. He smells like cologne and cigarette smoke. His leather jacket feels cool against my skin, and I bury my face into his neck, cleanly shaven. I wrap my arms around him. I decide I want to lose myself in his arms. That if I died right here, right now, I'd be okay, as long as Zayn was hugging me.
He rubs my back. His hand is hot through the thin fabric of my t shirt. I barely know this random boy, but I'm letting him hug me. I feel okay in his arms. Safe. Comfortable.
Its dangerous liking this. Warning bells ring in the back of my mind, and I push Zayn away, taking a step back. It's cold, standing here without the shield of his arms.
"Zayn, I don't know you. Something came up. Sorry." I muster up all my strength to say those three sentences. I can't let this go on; whatever it is.
He scrunches his eyebrows together. "Chandler, I'm not a bad guy. Whatever Niall said-"
"It's not about Niall! I need you to leave. I told you, I'm not interested. I'm too.. Nevermind. Just go." I'm almost pleading. My voice goes everywhere, I can't control the emotion that laces my words.
"Too, what?" His voice is low, gravelly.
I look back at my feet. "Nothing. I have to go."
Zayn grabs my arm. Makes me look up at him again. His face is too close, leaning in. His breath hits my lips in a taunting beating. He cups my face in his strong, sandpaper hands. They're warm, calming, gentle. "Tell me to stop." He whispers.
I can't. His lips are brushing against mine, making my stomach feel like hot liquid. My mind is on the rails, going crazy. I'm going crazy.
"I don't even know you," Is the last thing I whisper before he kisses me. His lips move slowly, in sync with mine. It's a passionate, dizzying kiss. My hands are in his hair, running through the gelled mess. Zayn places his hands on my waist, his fingertips pressing into my skin.
Like last night, I feel that electricity - that wholeness in my stomach, my being. I can't describe it, but it's making me crazy, want things I haven't wanted for awhile.
Like this boy.
With that realization, I pull away.
Zayn's lips are swollen, his cheeks red. He looks dazed.
I take that as my cue. I pass him. Jump into my car.
"Chandler!" He yells. But I'm already gone.
