S M I L E ° for me please

chapter °2

"Get up so you can leave and I could never see you again"

I couldn't get up...I felt like I was going too pass out from me having a anxiety attack too, me being kicked in the stomach.

I did not get a good nights sleep; the nightmares made it worst..

I couldn't stop tausing and turning about all the different dreams I had.

  One I had a memory about my mother being treated and beaten like she was waste like she wasn't even human,

The other me being torchered and killed by my own father.

no...not father some unitellingent, uncaring,selfish and demon like person that i will never be able to recognize as my Father.

He was conniving and deomotic...he himself crawed form the dephes of hell.

"DIDN'T I TELL YOU TOO LEAVE ARE YOU EVEN LESSONING TOO ME YOU WORTHLESS PEICES OF -"

i started crying...crying..wow thanks a lot I had too start crying and gasping for air.

My chest hurts like their was a wall of bricked where sitting on my chest.

"Your crying...I knew you were nothing I knew you were weak" as he pushed harder and harder on too my chest

I couldn't breath, i couldn't think
Why did he hate me so much

My mind became such a blur
You know, sometimes

I think about just doing something so crazy just to let him kill me; I'm just not in the right place too do so...

I have to transfer too college this morning

I've graduated and was accepted into into SPAU Seoul Preforming Arts University

It's the school of my breams

I want too be a Professional producer have my own studio become a rapper

I want to make people happy with my music and inspire them

  I want the meony I never had when growing up I wanted to be a hero too my mother

Make her happy but...I couldn't

She hated me

My smile

My laugh

My life as i know it

My own mother didn't even love me

Nor my "Father"

I knew only from him, he told me so much about her

I remember her face and how she spoke

He said when she smiled and laughed with me she was faking becasue I was too young and she was too weak too actually show her true emotions towards me .

When she spoke she would put her voice in a tone that i would think was caring and safe

I remember how softly she spoke
It was full of wisdom and hope

But I can't believe that
I can not believe my memory

Why..because their so much he knows about her that make sense and so little I remember .

I can not,trust anyone anymore never did never will

I was so caut up on these memeories,

I didn't notice how he had his hands around my neck pressing on my air way until I could not breath nor see

Tears,run bowm my face as I though of how today would be the day I die as well as I was going too get away form all of this.

"When I speak too you, you answer me- understand "he said as he lets go

I cough inhaling the cigarette buds and Damp air from the unclean room

(Have you ever been in a room that smelled and it was damp like the air was uncomfortable you know what I'm mean )

"Now,get up and leave" he leaves with slam too my bedroom door

I get up and stradle too my bathroom

I step onto the cold till floor

As the breeze of the air conditioner blew threw out the room I get colder inside and out

Goosebumps rise at my shoulders down

I turned on the light swich an closed the door behind me, locking the handle

I turn my head slightly towards the left to see nothing but a brusted and teary eyed lost boy who will never be loved neither wanted around

(Trigger warning)

As I think about this my action got the best of me, and I'm slowly reaching for the cabinet handle

I put my hand over the soap tray hovering my hand over it

I found a razor in his bathroom one day when I was looking for soap

When he was so called "working" even though I know he was on the streets selling cocaine on the side walk

He can only aford this house because he some how "doesn't give cheap" I guess

I heard this over hearing him having a conversation with someone he was selling too

I pulled the lid off the top of the pale yellow porcelain soap holder

I lifted the cold sliver blade from tray

It always felt good too just hold it understand what I'm going too do

  I sat on too the tiled flooring my skin connected to the flooring

I out stretched my legs pulling my jogging pants up

As I do so I see more and more scars and scraps

Getting bigger, wider
Turing shades red and purple

I graze them wondering what each of them where for

I sometimes forget why

I hold the blade too my untouched skin

Sliding it for my side thigh to my enter thigh

Cursion blood sepped threw the rip in my skin

Over,and over, I place it harder and harder until I was crying and screeching not to loud for him to hear

I was worth nothing I couldn't help no one I couldn't even help my self....
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Hello loves here is my new update on the book
I hope you enjoyed and are safe