Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
08. Having despaired or not
"Please stop querying, whether I've despaired or not."
Taehyung meditated, sitting in the corner, swirling the empty wine glass with his hand. Throughout the meal, he just sometimes joined to say a few things and kept silence most of the time. This meeting between two groups, didn't happened as planed - they expected to create an opportunity for Taehyung and Joohyun - but worse, put a real end to it, completely destroying their relationship which was vague, guilty, had-no-future.
He shouldn't have been present here, he should've come home after that, so that they both wouldn't be put in an awkward position. But Joohyun pulled him back, one last time, as she said.
"If you leave now, how can I explain to everyone?"
Right, all eyes would be on Joohyun, like a thousand non-verbal queries. Where's Taehyung? Didn't he come with you? Did you two quarrel again? Still could not reconcile? And many, many other questions, then there would be sighs, secret headshakes, or even empathetic gazes. It made Bae Joohyun, because of him, get into such a terrible predicament.
So they decided to wear their insincere masks, being calm with smiles to walk inside. Feelings were just a joke, hurt but couldn't express. Showbiz world is a regular evolution, each stage must be carefully done. So is the idol life, it's like walking on the tightrope hung up between two mounts. Looking downside is the chasm, if their heels are only one centimeters to the side, they will fall, being dashed into pieces.
Just let everything get back from where we'd not started, there's no pain, no hurt. Stop querying till the end, stop healing in vain. Because the boundary between us was not only the past, but also the difference of the present and the future. As long as we are celebrities, it's eternally impossible to have something between us.
A cup of warm water was passed to Taehyung, while the wine glass in his hand was taken away. His heart, still the same as hundred times before, skipped a beat because of that person. Among people's laughters, Bae Joohyun's quiet look brought about an invisible power, hitting straight to his heart. She was blaming on him, Taehyung knew. Because he insisted on moving back, 'cause he accepted to give up. Sarcastically, more than a year from that day, at this time we accidentally exchanged our positions. But the result was still the same, didn't change.
"Don't try if you cannot drink." Joohyun muttered.
"... It's not that I cannot drink." Taehyung objected in a hoarse voice. "I don't want to."
Joohyun took a few short breaths. She didn't guess wrong, the alcohol started to kick in. Otherwise, he wouldn't talk to her that much, but kept silence and presumed to agree. This man, she didn't know since when he'd learned how to conceal his feelings like that, even from her. Or rather, because of her?
Joohyun met a wink from Jungkook who was sitting beside Taehyung, she was amazed a little bit, but seconds after that she gently nodded her head, thanked him with a smile. She stood up and left her seat, crossing behind the kids, heading to the position that Jungkook offered her. At this time Taehyung was wearily leaning against the wall with hands around his knees, looking exactly the same as a fetus in the womb. Joohyun remember she'd read somewhere, they said that it was the posture of someone who felt insecure.
She sat cross-legged next to Taehyung. He slowly looked up, with his dreamy eyes. His mind became heavier, even the image of Joohyun right in front was unclear. It's just fine, Taehyung bowed, he couldn't see her, his heart wouldn't be hurt.
Hearing his regular breath, Joohyun knew that he'd already fell asleep. Taehyung naturally didn't hold his liquor very well, among the members he's just better than the only one who could not drink at all - Hoseok. But tonight, since he walked in, he drank too much. Seeing nobody in Bangtan stop him, Joohyun found it not a good time to meddle in. Perhaps they understood that Kim Taehyung wanted one time to be that drunken. One time to forget.
Joohyun gently moved, sitting closer next to him. Taehyung leaned his body over, she reached her arm to hold. His body temperature was still low, the heating switching on in the restaurant didn't seem to help. Joohyun let Taehyung lean on her shoulders, his tranquil face made her heart softened. Seungwan sat a little slanted opposite, looking at them with a giggling. Joohyun put her index finger on her lips, hushing and giving her the signal to keep silent.
After that, she hold Taehyung's hand, fingers locked, as if nothing's happened, as if they were still the same like ever.
We're even now, no one owes the other.
When Joohyun finished her words and lifted her head up, she saw the dark and crumbling pains in Taehyung's eyes; the lake waved, spreading out, sinking deep into her broken heart.
"I'm sorry." She suddenly whispered. "I've hurt you once again."
Taehyung's fingers twitched, Joohyun thought he's already awake, but seeing his furrowed brows with his eyes closed, she realized that Taehyung was just in his dream. Joohyun held his hand tight, the pain in her chest ached. Even the drunkenness couldn't offer him a good sleep?
"I am too obstinate, aren't I?" she asked Taehyung, asking herself also. "We should've ended up long long ago, and I shouldn't have bothered you that much."
"But I can't help it." Joohyun softly said, her voice became choked up. "A year has passed, but I can't help the truth that we're no longer together."
A teardrop quietly ran down from Taehyung's eye, nobody knew.
"Can I give it a try one more time?"
"You don't need to give me a chance." She smiled. "One day if I find it impossible to go on, I will stop."
Because there's much time remaining afterwards, "one more time" is just a limited measure.
And Bae Joohyun, didn't want to lose Taehyung when she was still able to hold onto him.
