never be alone

I cant do it by myself

Yesterday my true and only friend died now i am alone. I have no one to go to when i need help or if i need to tell someone something. I will never never have a friend like him, when ever we had a break we would always talk about the night before and i would always be able to tell him about the murder. also he was the only one that knew when i was in a flashback mainly because i would stop talking and i blank out.

Whenever i am in a flashback he would always be there to help me out of it and he would ask me what i saw. Now i know that he is gone i wont have anyone, it is going to be hard for me to be able to tell someone what is going on and i wont make friends as easy as i did with him.

This morning was hard because i didn't have anyone to tell about the murder last night so now i think that i am becoming mad because i have started talking to myself just so i can tell someone and just so i can get it off my chest. Now the people in here are staring at me because they can see me talking to my self. I cant go into a mental hospital what would people think of me then. They won't be able to trust me because they would think something is wrong with me but i only do it to get it off of my chest because otherwise i keep on getting flashbacks.

I want to change but i don't know how, if i have done it before and can't stop it now how am i ever going to stop i don't want to do it anymore why cant i just kill myself and it would all be over with. HELP ME.....