My Biggest Downfall

I love you, Goodbye

It's 12 am. And i was sitting on my veranda, watching the stars while stalking your account . I stop when I saw your pictures - with her. A small grin painted on my lips. I could see how happier you look now than before. The thoughts of you and her sharing moments together, doing crazy stuffs, the things we were supposed to do together but it was her now whose making beautiful memories with you. These left me joy but at the same time jealousy and unexplainable pain. There was a sudden pinch in my heart. So I grasped for a moment as I need air to breathe. I touched my chest and gave inhales 'n exhales. I knew this was going to happen. I shouldn't had done this damn stalking-thingy.

I'm so stupid, rolling my eyes with my own judgment. But then I looked back to your account and stared at your face. You're such a jerk always, you know that? I smiled again in the reality. I was convinced that I just made the right decision in the past. I knew you deserve to be happy always. And I remembered the time when I let you go, gave you the freedom you asked. Such bittersweet emotions filled within us that night. It was the best of time for you. It was the worst of time for me. So lemme' tell you a story. In the beginning, things were great - scratch that - it was awesome. But the longer we were together, I saw it slip away slowly. I understood your reasons for why things needed to be different. But I cannot fathom the thought that I should have done more to make you stay - to make us stay. I overthink it over and over again to see where I missed the holes or if you had given me a sign to stay but the overflow of thoughts gets to me and I'm back to square one. At the end of the day, it won't change anything because it's been too long and it's too late. Everyday I have to swallow reality a little bit more but hey I'm a strong woman and I can get through this. *I sniffed and gave a long sigh. I can't cry hard enough.
As soon as I logged out my account, I looked for my iPad where I stored all my songs - our songs actually. Yeah. It's still crystal clear to my memory that we were so inclined to music and to our favorite singers that we always talked about 'em and sang to each other almost everyday. I also don't think I've ever talked on the phone with someone as much as I did with you. So much love back then. Art became also our favorite. Since I found out that you're also into them, you became my inspiration behind those of my little 'masterpieces'. You were my drive - the primary reason why I make drawings.
*As when a song started to fill mellow sound in the air, I was thinking of you. Then I closed my eyes. I remember when I first met you that night event. I knew right away that you're going to be special because I have never met a guy who looked at me the way you did. You looked at me like I was going to save you from whatever it was that you wanted to get away from. We talked a while. And there was this kind of connection - like an old invisible string linked between you and me. Something strong and enchanting. I don't know how you managed to take over me - my mind and my heart. It was unexpected to meet and fall in love with you. You gave me this feeling that no one has ever made me feel. *This time, I was listening to a very sad song. It hit me so bad that it had given me flashbacks at the same time. I was reminded by our heartbreaking breakup. Being left by a man felt like the worst thing that had ever happened to me. 'Twas too sudden and shocking. Not to mention the reasons but you had no idea how painful it was and how hard for me to get over you, right? It was so hurtful and I had to pretend like nothing's happened. I always knew I am not a perfect person but I did everything to work our relationship despite of the distance and challenges we had, didn't'I? "I'm reminded that I should be gettin' over it. I don't want your body. But I hate to think about you with somebody else. Our love has gone cold. You're intertwining your soul with somebody else. I'm looking through you.." *I could feel the heaviness inside. It felt painful. I need to let this out now.
Were my sacrifices and efforts not enough for you to stay? Was my love not enough for you to choose me? Was it my fault that I am not that pretty enough in your eyes?