Do you ever start thinking about what would happen if you were to die? Or is perhaps you were to run and never stop running. To run for health is one thing, to run from problems and people is another . I have friends, I have family, I have people who are there for me. Despite all these facts, I don't talk to others about what I am feeling. I want to escape . Some may ask what I want to escape, or who I need to get away from. The truth is, I need to escape myself, my self-harm, my deadly thoughts, certain people. I use no crutch to aid my pains, I limp helplessly, as very few people notice and try to help as I fall into the dirt. As John Green had one if his characters in one of his books the fault in our stars, she said something along the lines of "I am a grenade". When I read this book I cried, the whole time . Because I'm a sad sack who enjoys stuff like that, but also because all I could think about was the fact that she was right. We are all grenades, ready to hurt. In 7th grade, one of my friends died of a fucking monster called lukimea, although she and I were not close...it hurt to see her leave us all into the unknown . At first I did not cry, I did not mourn. All I could do was hug the others and make sure they wee okay, instead of checking on myself and picking up my broken pieces instead if theirs. We all knew she had cancer, but very few actually knew how bad it was. A few months back, my oldest brother committed suicide, he hung himself if you were curious. Again , like the first death I had no reaction, no feeling.at this point in my life I didn't want to feel , in fear that I will never escape my darkness. A few days ago, I realized that my brother and I are..or were very similar in not confiding. The day my brother died was the day that my grandpa had his spine surgery , and I remember freaking out when I could not find my mother where she would usually pick me up, but I found my Nino instead. He broke the news on the way to my house, and I could only think "I have to be strong, no crying, no wussy bullshit". When I got home...my mother was in bed crying as a mother would if she lost one of her children, but my other brother was present as well. We sat outside and we talked as he cried on my shoulder , but all I could do was sit emotionless. I like my dead brother don't have a strong will to live, yes I try hard in school, i try my hardest to fit in and seem happy, and make fat jokes with my friends and this is because I'm fairly chubby. I don't want to be where I am, but yet I feel certain guilt when it is good and when she cries, but I know I will be..happy?. What is happy? I know it's chemicals within our brains and bodys, but how do we keep this beautiful feeling?ill answer this tomorrow.
Goodbye, until tomorrow
