One Fucked Up World

Chapter Nine

Nine

     Next morning I woke up and I went to the toilet, found the razor was gone. Max was in the kitchen and everything with sharp blade was gone as well. Not a knife, not even a fork. I was given a plastic spoon for the meals.

     "I'm not going to poke my eyes out with a fork, just so you know," I said during breakfast. Max laughed. Max made me stay home for three days. I spent the days finish reading Anna Karenina.

     "You can stay home for a bit longer if you want," Max said over dinner, "I don't mind."

     "I'm fine," I said. I lost my appetite. "I need to find Kelly."

     "Okay, and um," Max said uneasily, "Harry sent his love."

     "Oh."

     I had dialled Harry's number, he didn't answer the phone until the sixth time. I hanged up at once after I heard his voice, and instantly tucked the phone away.

     "Did you tell him about me?" I asked Max.

     "Should I?" Max frowned.

     "Uh, no," I said.

     "So you like Don," Max said. "I hope it's not because he reminds you of -"

     "He reminds you of Tommy too, then?" I said. I loathed Don, he only destroyed. "Let's talk about Tommy. You said we could go back. Let's go and pack."

     "You said you didn't want to," Max replied. "I have to go. Night shift."

     "The night shift doesn't start until eight thirty."

     "I'll see you later," Max said. I wasn't sure if he even had a shift today.

     I let my fringe down at school, shading my eyes. Winter still lingered Louca and the school day went on more ordinarily than I wanted it to be. Kelly was sitting in a corner in the canteen, rubbing her arms.

     "Hello Kelly," I said.

     She saw me and leapt from her chair, knocking over her empty tray. The school bell rang. Kelly strode away and I lost her in the crowd. I stared and spotted her from a distance. She glanced back and she bunked school for the rest of the day.

     I was to meet the school counsellor today, she wanted to talk about the shoplift. I didn't have anything to say to her so I proudly stood her up. People did ask me about it and Bully Maria had a lot of fun telling other girls about what happened in Wales and Heaven, saying her cousin was there watching the whole thing. I laughed along with them until I was tired.

     I spent my free period in the empty art room. I found a lighter in the drawer.

     I sat on the window sill and opened the window. The wind was prickling. I stroked the lighter and rolled a small piece of waste paper. I pressed the metal grinders with extreme care.

     I gasped as the fire shot up, dropped the rolled paper and held the light with both hands. I watched the fire glow, observed the blue bottom and the pink body and the yellow tail.

     How petite the light was! How bright and warm and deadly it could be! I used to smoke like a chimney, two packs a day. Max thought I couldn't stop. It is fear's privilege to generate impossibilities.

     My hand found the rolled paper and slowly, I burnt it. The fire tongue nibbled the white thing bit by bit. It was compelling to watch. I blew it off. The fire literally listened to what I wanted. I threw the ashes and the lighter out of the window.