Internal Struggle

Part 1

As I walk in the lunchroom I can feel them all staring at me as I walk towards Erin,  her hair glistening in the sun and her eyes as bright as diamonds.  In the sunlight she looks so unreal...like an angel right before me. The whispers of the people as I pass by replay over and over- “Harley? Are you alright?”  I look up to see Erin staring at me with a worried look.  “Yeah I’m fine.”  Bad choice of words Harley, you know better then to use the word “fine”.  “Harley….Are you sure you’re fine?”  I immediately burst into tears and cover my face with my hands. “No, I-I’m not even close to being fine.”  I can feel everyone’s gaze on me as I’m bawling my eyes out in the lunchroom.  With every teardrop, I hear a whisper.  Every movement, I feel the tiny daggers shoot out of their eyes.  They are all judging me, and I know it.  “Harley. Tell me what’s wrong.” I look up at her silently. “Harley, Please. I’m really worried about you.  It truly hurts to see you like this, and I don't know what to do.  I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”  Erin reaches for my hands and I hesitantly pull away. She quickly grabs my wrists and I wince.  “You’ve been doing it, again?  We talked about this.” Erin gently pulls up my sleeves to reveal the cuts on my wrists and forearm. She sighs and I look at her.  “I’m sorry Erin. I won’t do it again-” She cuts me off.  “Harley for the last time. Stop cutting your beautiful skin. You’ve been doing this for how many years now? 2 years? I know it’s been hard for you since Koda left us but we will get through this. I promise.”  I think back to when Koda was still alive. I remember her last words, I read her suicide note over and over until I couldn’t see anymore. I remember what she wrote to me… Harley. I know I broke the promise and I’m sorry.  I couldn’t take it anymore and I shouldn’t have bottled up my emotions like I did.  The pain was unbearable and I couldn’t handle the pressure.  I know it isn’t good to put my “talent” or life to waste.  Deep inside I knew my days were shortening and my time would come soon.  Even though I was told to be positive, the negative always found a way back into my life no matter what.  I decided that it would be best for me just to leave this world.  It's better off without me, all the pain and suffering I caused? The countless times I messed up or hurt someone? How can I live when the rest of my life would only be a burden to others?  Don’t you see Harley? I only make things worse, you’ll do better off without the death weight on your shoulders.  Either way you wouldn’t be able to stop me and I know you tried to hard to give me reasons to stay everyday, I greatly appreciate it. But nobody truly understood what was going on, most people only acted like they cared. You? No, you and Erin truly cared about me, always trying to cheer me up.  I believed for once that it might have got better but it’s too late for that. Then again it didn’t get much better.  I thought about this for a long time so..I’m sorry to leave you like this….But I think it's for the best.  Bye Harley, see you in another life…

Then I remember the knife slicing my skin, tearing it open and the bright, sparkly red blood would run down my arm. One slice here. One slice there. Koda shouldn’t be dead, I should be the one…

That was it, I knew my life was completely over. I cried and cut and stopped eating for so long, but 2 years later here I am. I hear a voice calling my name, it’s Erin calling me. “Harley? Harley!” She said as her voice shook. “Yes Erin?” “Harley, have you been eating?” She said while staring at my waist.  Again I stay silent, looking down at my shoes. “Answer me Harley, I’m not kidding.” Erin says softly. “No. I haven’t been eating. At all.” Erin looks at me and tears up. “Harley. Why aren’t you eating?” Her voice shakes as she speaks to me. I look up at her. “Erin I haven’t been eating because I don’t deserve food. Alright? People tell me I’m not good enough to be alive but I’m still here, trying to optimistic. I’m alive for you and Koda.”  “Harley, if you want to survive you need to eat and try not to cut.  So eat and stop cutting.” Erin says softly.  “Alright Erin. I’ll try my best.” I look at over at all the people staring at me and I can tell by the way that they are staring at me that they are judging me. The bad thing about the lunch room is that for my every movement, every word, every tear that falls from my cheek is another reason for them to judge, to criticize me, they could see everything.   I gently grab the necklace that’s around my neck and hold it.  It was Koda’s before she died, she gave it to me because she said it would protect me. I remember the words she said to me over the course of the 4 years that I knew her. Harley, you make me happy by just existing.  You cheer me up without even trying Harley. Thanks for everything Harley. You’re truly the best Harley.  I love you Harley. Harley. Harley. Harley. I come back to the present to see Erin looking at me “Harley will you tell me what happened?”  “Sure. So...Um.  They made me feel worthless and reminded me how much of a failure I am.  They reminded me that I am nothing, a mistake. They keep saying that I’m the reason that Koda took her life.  They keep telling me that I should have been the one to take my life not Koda.”  “Harley who are They?”  “They is the people at this school, my sister, the voices in my head.  They won’t go away Erin and they are getting stronger.”  “Harley,  I know it’s hard right now but I swear it’ll get better.  Alright?  We will get through this together. No matter what situation I’m here for you...forever and always”  Before I could speak the bell rang. Erin and I exchanged glances as we walked to our next class.