Internal Struggle

Part 2

As I walk down the hallway it seems darker than usual. The darkness seems to consume me and take all the happiness     I have left away.  It’s like I’m drowning, and can’t find my way back to the surface. I look around to see people stare at me, their gazes cold like ice.  I walk up to the door of the classroom and freeze as people start to stare at me. As I walk in I can smell hints of perfume or something- My thoughts get cut off as a group of boys start to stare at me, I keep my gaze forward and realize they are at my table.  I think to myself, why are they at my table?  I usually sit by myself- “Mrs. Amberley?” I turn to see my teacher look at me “Yes?”  “These boys are new here so they’ll be sitting with you.”  “Great, Thanks..” I walk over to the table and they watch my every move, I quickly pull down my sleeves.  As I sit down they start to talk and glance at my arms.  “Hey Blaze, what do you think about her?”  A fair skin boy looks over at me and I look at him.  I can feel his bright green eyes looking straight through me.  He must be Blaze.  “She’s cute.  Cody what do you think?”  I look to my left and  see a boy that looks at me.  He looks at me and smiles slightly. Suddenly I hear the teacher talk out loud. “Today you’ll be learning about Ionic bonds within your groups.”  I hear the boys at my table snicker.  “Lucky us.”  “Blaze leave her alone she shows no interest.” I glance at the boy that was talking and scribble the answers on my paper, then begin to get up to turn it in.  “Are you going to help us or not? Do you even speak?”  “Yes I speak and I have a name too.” I say as my voice shakes.  “Then what’s your name?”  Cody says curiously.  “My name is Harley. Now leave me alone.”  I start to get angry, and I can feel my face get hot. “Well Harley.  Will you give your new friends the answers?” Blaze says gently reaching for my hand. I pull my hand away and get up.  Slowly I walk to the front of the class. “I’m done.”  I realize now I don't even know my teacher’s name.  “Good Mrs. Amberley, now you can doodle.”  My teacher whispers. I walk back to my table staring at the boy that sits next to me.  His hair shining in the sun and how his fair skin is glistening as he sits in his seat quietly working. I look down at a piece of paper that is left on the my table. I take it and stare outside at the trees, as the different colored leaves fall to the ground. The pitter patter of the rain distracts me from doodling, everything seems dark, like I’m drowning. It’s like the constant, overwhelming, crushing feeling that something terrible is going to happen. Then I get lost in thought, and begin to space out.  Not caring about what the boys are saying or whats going on.  You are worthless. I hate the silence. You are a mistake. It always gives the voices a chance to speak aloud.  Stop trying to be something you aren’t. Is it true what they say? You’ll never be good enough, so stop trying. They keep telling me to give up, should I? Nothing you do will make anyone happy. Just die already. The voices get louder and louder. Harley? Harley...Nobody likes you and they never will.  They’d be better off without you- I feel someone grab my arm, I freeze. I think to myself, whats happening? I can feel their skin, it’s soft and smooth. I suddenly feel them roll up my sleeve and run their fingers down my arm over my cuts.  I pull away, and roll down my sleeve.  “Harley-”  The bell cuts Blaze off.  I get up and gather my things as fast as I possibly could, then I dash out the door.  I search for Erin, it’s the end of the day where is she? “Harley?!”  I spin around to see Erin at the end of the hall and I dash down the hallway with tears running down my face.  I slam into her, hugging her tightly and crying in her shoulder. “Harley, what happened?”  “T-The voices and they saw my cuts.” My voice shakes and I point to Blaze. She glances at him and looks back at me. “Erin, that’s it. I’m done, all done.  I can’t take this anymore, No I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t live anymore and I personally don’t want to live anymore. I can’t do this Erin.  I’m giving up on this stupid life.  I mean I’ve been thinking about it for some time...And I think it's my time to die.” As soon as I said die I look around to see every single person in that hallway look at me. “Harley, I’m not losing you as well. You deserve this life and those jerks,” she points to Blaze and he glares at her. “They don’t matter and they sure aren’t worth your time.”  Erin’s voice shakes and her face is red. The breeze from the open door at the end of the hallway gives me goosebumps as we stand here in this awkward silence.  The darkness begins to consume my thoughts and all I can see is Erin crying in front of me. She’s shivering from the cold and crying because of what I said. I take off my jacket without saying a word and put it on Erin. As soon as I hug Erin I hear gasps from a group of girls passing by.  I can feel Blaze’s and Cody’s gazes looking straight at my arms. “Harley, your cuts are exposed…” She says softly while trying to give my jacket back.  “Yes Erin, I know that. You are cold and I’m giving you my jacket. I really don’t care what they say anymore, since I won’t be here any longer. I have to go home now...Bye Erin.” I tear up and shiver.  “Harley..Even though you have to face these demons alone...you aren’t really alone. The voices are wrong and I wish you’d see that.  Please, rethink this choice, for me and Koda..Either way..I love you Harley.” When Erin told me she loved me it sounded like when Koda said her last goodbye, it kept replaying over and over in my head.  I gather my things and walk down the cold and dark hallway. I pass by Blaze and his group of friends, they try stopping me from walking down the hallway.  I get so angry that I shove them out of the way, I walk down the hallway without looking back. I hear a voice from behind me as I’m walking, I faintly hear them say “Stay safe Harley….”  I swing the doors open and the rain pours down from the sky, the leave fall from the trees as I walk through the courtyard of my school.  I can feel the judgement through the ice cold gazes of the kids going in and out of the halls. I can feel their negativity and hear the whispers of how much they hate the way life is. But as I walk by,  their attention and negative comments revert to me. “ Oh my god, she’s so disgusting.” Here we go again. “Dear god, how deep are those cuts.” Do they know how to do anything but judge? “I hope she kills herself.” I can feel myself drowning in the negative thoughts and right now my reflex is kicking in, to open my mouth.  “Why would you say something like that?  To burden someone like that?  Do you think depression and suicide is a joke?” I can feel my face getting heated, they all stare at me with total shock.  “What? You didn’t think I could talk? Next time think about what you are going to say before you open your mouth and say something you regret. This topic isn’t something you should talk about so freely about, so be careful what you say and shut your mouth.”  The shock in their face made me proud that I stood up to them like that.  They think it’s all a joke but they don’t know the internal struggle of all this. I walk out of the school’s front gate and make my way towards home.