Sanity.

Truth.

"I felt worthless and pathetic, I didn't know what to do, I wanted to disappear so fucking badly, nothing seemed to work. I tried everything to try and make the pain to stop but nothing worked! It never worked! I cut so deep into my vein and it bleed for what seemed like forever and it still didn't work? Why? Why didn't it work? Why didn't it stop the pain? It's not like I have anything to do with my life... Everyone hates me and wishes I was dead anyway? So nothing was stopping me! Nothing was stopping me from doing what I thought was best! Nothing! Nothing was able to stop me! That's why!" I yell at Jack not even thinking.

He looks at me in shock, tears in his eyes. He pulls me in close as I start to cry.

"Don't! Just don't! I can't go on like this anymore Jack, everything is falling apart! I don't feel fucking safe anywhere anymore, not even in your arms. I can't do it anymore! I'm sorry." I say as I start to walk away from Jack.

I could hear him calling my name but I just ignored him. I couldn't believe what I had just told him, no one knew that side of me except for him and he didn't actually know that it was that bad! I couldn't face him again, I was so ashamed of myself and that's when I lost it. I fell to ground and balled and balled and balled, it had become dark and it was getting cold so I started to walk home. I was walking through the ally when heard some noises behind me but I didn't think anything of it so I kept on walking. A guy walked up behind me and slapped my ass.

"Get lost you perve." I yell.

"Oh baby, come on don't play hard to get." The guy says slurring his words. It was quiet obvious that he was drunk.

"Oh trust me I'm not." I say as I go to walk off.

He grabs my arm and forcefully pushes me against the wall.

"Get off me!" I scream.

"Oh, don't tease me like this." Says the guy as he starts undoing his pants.

He forcefully put my arms above me head and starts unbuttoning my shirt. He was so strong. I couldn't get him off me, but I still kept fighting.

"I'm not being a tease! Get off me!" I yell with tears streaming down my face.

I let out a scream and the guy hits me in the stomach. He lets me go and throws me to ground, kicks me in the ribs and gets on top of me. I try to move but his force is to strong.

I woke up. It was morning, I was still in the ally where I had been last night, my breathing wasn't right and ribs were bruised. I heard some foot steps and before I knew it I was in an ambulance, I couldn't see properly. The doctors said that I was okay and just to close my eyes, so that's what I done.

I lay on the hospital bed with my mother by my side holding my hand.

"Mum?" I say in a whisper.

"Don't talk hunny." Says my mother.

"I'm sorry." I say as I look at my wrist and see all the cuts and scars.

"It's okay hunny, I used to do it to. I know how you feel." Says my mother looking up at me.

"I didn't know what else to do." I say.

"It's fine, just promise me that you will try not to do it again, and when you want to come to me!" Says my mother.

"To be honest with you my mother was taking this surprisingly well, I mean for most parents who find oh that their only child has been self-harming they'd expect an explanation of some sort. But mum, she was fine, she didn't want me to explain anything and she didn't question me about anything." I thought to myself.

Just then I heard a screech and snapped out of my little bubble, it was the nurse, my mum walks over to her and starts talking, I can't hear them very well but I know they are talking about me. I mean it's hard no to be able to tell when they keep looking at you.

My mum walks over to me.

"Hunny, I would like you to take a depression witch will also say if you have anxiety and bipolar. Do it for me?" Says mum with glassy eyes.

For a while I'd wanted to take a depression test, I mean I didn't think I was depressed but I did want to know what was making my feel like shit all of the time. A few minutes had past and my mother was still looking at me for an answer.

"Sure, whatever makes you happy." I reply kinda sadly.

"Thank you." Says mum.

The nurse walks over to me with some papers, and hands them to me.

"What are these?" I ask confused.

"These are the questions you will have to answer to see wether or not you have depression, of course me and your mother will leave the room to give you some peace whilst you fill the forms out." Says the nurse.

"Umm.. Okay?" I say weirdly.

The nurse and my miter leave my room. I didn't know where to start there were so many questions. I decided to get started as I thought it would be better to get it over and done with.

Question one- do you ever feel so upset that nothing can cheer you up?

- yeah, sometimes, well okay most of the time.

Question two- how often do you feel worthless?

- Pretty much all of the time.

Question three- how often do you feel nervous for no apparent reason?

- basically all of the time..

Question four- how long have you felt like this?

-okay well, I'm 16 next month and I started having these feelings when I was about 13-14. So about 2-3 years.

Question five- have you ever had thoughts of suicide?

- yes, all if the time.

Question six- how long have you been suicidal? (If you haven't been suicidal not answer)

-since about the age if 13.

Questions seven- do you ever feel like everything is your fault?

-all of the time.

Question eight- have you ever harmed yourself?

-Yes.

Question nine- if you have harmed yourself, how long do you think you've been doing it?

- since I was 13.

Question ten- do you ever get so worked up over nothing?

-yeah, all of the time..

Question eleven- do you ever feel like just ending your life right then and there?

-yeah all the time.

Question twelve- have you we got a sudden change in your mood where at one minute your happy and then the next you feel like a total failure?

-yes!

Question thirteen- have you ever lost a loved one?

-yes, my father died when I was 12.

Question fourteen- do you think the death if a loved one is causing these problems?

-no.

Question fifth teen- how do you feel right at this moment?

- I feel like I've failed my mother, I feel worthless and pathetic. I feel fat and ugly. I feel dirty, disgusting and I feel like a whore.

It had been 30 minutes and I had finished the test, now I had tried to be completely honest on every question but in most of them I'm very blunt. I press the nurse button on the side of my bed and my mother and the nurse are standing beside my bed in the next five minutes.

"Are you finished?" Asked the nurse politely.

My mother looks down on me, waiting for an answer.

"Ar.. Yes." I say stuttering.

"Alright, I'll talk this down to the health department and I'll be back soon." Says the nurse.

"Okay" I say just as she walks out if the door.