Letters To The World. Love, An Ordinary Human

Letter 8

Dear World,
        I'm not saying how my day went or how it will go. I can't even remember what happened today.

I hate this fucking book. It just reminds me that I have something that can help me and I don't even use it because I can't fucking write a chapter without feeling guilty for dumping it on people who don't even care anyway.

No on will even read this, so what does it matter? Why the fuck am I so paranoid? I'm probably just fucking faking ot for attention. This whole motherfucking thing is for attention, when will I learn that I don't deserve any attention I get. God, I sound like a fucking psycho.

I can't even clean my fucking room without falling to the floor and whispering things like this to myself, I'm really fucking pathetic, aren't I?

Is talking to myself like this for attention, too? Are my threats and harmful words to myself just for attention? 'Cause I can't even tell. It's not like it's something to be proud of. Are these thoughts the truth or not?

I cant even write a vook without messing it up. When did this chapter become me asking myself wether I am actually mentally ill or not?

That's not the point. I ment to write about something else, but I guess I screwed that up, didn't I?

Anyway, I feel numb. I don't really feel anything. I just feel anxiety and self doubt. Is that normal? I don't know, I don't even know when it started. What month is it?

It's May. I can't tell time anymore. I just look forward to the weekend, and then it comes and the cycle starts all over. I can't remember key events in my life that ised to be important to me.

I cant remember qhen my best friend told me she likes me. Was it last year? It couldn't be last year, could it? I'm almost certain it happened in October, but it didn't happen only a couple of months ago... did it?

2016? Could that be it? Was it really October? Maybe it was in the summer. I don't know anymore. Let's moce on to a different event.

My parents divorce? That one is a key part of my life, I'm pretty sure that's why I'm feeling this way. Last year? No, wait, what did we do for New Year last year? Was I at my mom's? I don't know, I don't even have a memory of it. I know my mom left on January 11th, I got home from school  and the car window was broken.

But when was it? 2016? Could it be that? But didn't she come back... I know my dad announced a divorce in August. Or was a different month in summer. It doesn't matter, I still know what happened I think. I know I went to my friends house 'cause my dad needed to be alone, but I couldn't stop crying. My sister was fine, she was more focused on palying with my friend than anything.

Then my friend asked what's wrong, and I would've broke down crying if I wasn't already. Then, she or her mom asked if I wanted to stay there for the night or with my grandma. I said grandma, and my friend was a bit offended.

I don't remember what happened inbetween. All I remember is we wnet to see Kuno And The Two Strings in the movie theater, and I texted my friends what happened on my phone. Okay, so I had a phone, that helps find out when it was. Oh, wait, I have an idea! I'll search up when Kubo came out, and that's when it happened!

August 19th, 2016. So that's when it happened. Wait, what was my original point of this timeline? I can't scroll up and read my writing, I'll delete it all. Think brain, think, it was, like, five minutes ago, it's not fucking hard.

Oh, I was saying I couldn't remmber time. I think I just proved my point. Movies are the only way I can tell when things happened because I can search up when they came out and that can give me a rough idea.

Is this normal? I don't want to tell my mom, because she will say something like she had it worse when she was a child, which is true, but not what I need to hear.

Am I right though? The only reason I have that idea is because of soemthing she said months ago, so it could wrong.

I remember, I was transfering schools, and I told her voices were telling me horrible things. I'm pretty sure I was being over dramatic, because its my own voice that says those things. Anyway, she said I was transfering schools and I shoudl be grateful.

I'm not sure if she was right. She probably was, but I still don't like remembering it. If I did tell her, would she make me see a therapist? She made me see one once and I didn't like her. She reminded me of my old math teacher, but I didn't like her like I liked my math teacher.

She asked me questions I didn't know the answers to and I felt like she was judging me. She made me feel like what I was feeling was my fault, and I don't want to go back. Only one good thing came out of that trip, and it took me months to get used to, so I really don't want to go back.

But what I'm feeling might not be normal. I'll ask the five readers I've  probably lost by now if it's normal, and they wont answer. I wouldn't expect them to. I don't expect them too. It's not like they care. And if tehy are reading this, they might want to write something saying they care, but they don't.

They don't. You dont fucking care. Ic you did care, you might have commented on this book saying something other than something about musicals. You would have messsaged when I said I wanted friends.

Did I even say I wanted friends in this book? I can't even remember. I'm going fucking crazy.

And I still can't fucking feel anything. I don't feel anger or even sadness from this, I just feel my chest tightenand my body heat up like it does when my someone yells at me.

But now it's 10:53 and my room is to hot for me and I have spent thiety minutes writing thos to no one and Twenty One Pilots is still playing from when i turnwd it on when I started writing and now its onw the swcond verse but i cant wven rwmember it doing the firat verse and now its bwen two minutes and i know i had sowmthi g to writw here but i cant rember it and my wroting is probably full of errors and im dont wven know if im going to corrwcf them cause if i do im wasting timw that i could be using to do something else like gwtting sleep but i cant sleep and no one is reading this vut if someone is i rwally nwed you to comment sowmthing please music vant save mw and i know i sound like a stereotylical whitw girl who doesnt know real pain vut thats bwcause i am one vut i still feel soem pain and i dont knwo where its coming form please messag me or comment anything pelasw i need it its 10:58 and now ice spent five minutes writing just this paragraph si wait whats time oh my god please jaut comment soemthinf im begging you