A Letter To Nicolas

Do you remember that trip we took the summer before senior year?

I can't seem to forget it no matter how hard I try. It was June 10, 2018, around seven thirty in the afternoon when you barged into my room and told me to pack a bag and get into your car. Said that we were going to run away together for the summer and leave our chaotic lives behind for awhile.

So I did exactly what you said. I packed light and left my alcoholic mother a note for when she came back from god knows where.

That summer I made so many memories with you that I know, I'll never forget. I'll never forget when that old lady flipped you off on the highway because you were driving the speed limit; or when you gave me your jacket in San Francisco, even though you had told me to bring a sweater; I'll never forget when you confessed your feelings towards me at Cannon Beach or the first time you kissed me in Seattle. But most importantly I'll never forget the moment you told me you were in love with me.

We were in the middle of a national forest in Oregon, heading back home because summer was winding down to an end. The car windows were down because the ac wasn't working and you turned to look at me. Your midnight black hair was wild from all the times you had ran your hand through it. Your dark brown eyes turned into a lighter shade with the light shining in them. You gave me a lazy smile and said, "I love you, Celeste. Always have and always will."

I saw a piece of my sandy brown hair fly in front of me. I smiled back and pulled the piece of hair behind my ear. "I love you too Nicolas."

I remember how weird it felt to be so ... loved.

I miss that feeling. I miss you.

Do you remember me?

I know it's been awhile.

I thought maybe as time would pass, I would feel better but I don't. Your death still pains me. It still feels like it was just yesterday when I was at your funeral, crying hysterically. How a man can kill his own son is still a mystery I've been trying to solve for eleven years now.

In the beginning people kept telling me that I needed to let you go, that I couldn't keep loving a ghost. But boy did I try. After awhile people just got tired of telling me the same thing and stop trying. Just like I stopped trying to forget you. I mean, how am I expected to forget someone who's seen my soul?

I can't forget you. I can't stop loving you. I don't think I can stop loving you. You're forever gone, and I'm forever alone.

I miss you Nic, I miss the girl I was when you were in my life.

Forever Yours, Celeste.