My last message to you.

X

I miss you
Saying this is like admitting defeat
It's like admitting that I have a smoking habit,
I know that it's bad for me but I still do it anyways.

Because missing you is the only thing i can do right now
missing you is the only thing keeping the memory of "us" alive in my mind.
Reminiscing all those precious and intimate moments we had truly pains me, but I can't stop.

For Every time I remember how you made me laugh till my stomach hurts,
every time you called me yours
every time we held hands and how I would spend countless days in the warmth and safety of your arms.
It breaks me down a little bit more than the last.

I go through my days wondering pointless "what if"s
What if I never said that thing?
What if it was because I didn't try hard enough?
What if we never broke it off?

With these questions roaming around my mind,
even the simplest of tasks become unbearable.
Eating suddenly became less of a priority
My night's sleep depends on these little capsules.
My phone has been bombarded with concerned messages from colleagues and relatives.

I ponder in silence each night, letting these thoughts haunt and corrupt me for months. Staring into the bleak light, contemplating everything I once believed in. Feeling hopeless, lovelorn and damaged.

Until one day I when looked in the mirror.
I was observing the person staring back through the looking glass.
Anyone who saw her could tell that she was frail and wounded.
I stared back to looked at my own black eyes,
and realized something.

That despite everything I've been through
No matter how much I cared,
Or how hard I tried
Or how many tears I've shed

One thing Is never going to change
All you are and ever will be

is Toxic.