Afraid

"I SWEAR I HATE YOUR FUCKING GUTS RYAN !" I yelled as I through a lamp at his head. Ryan easliy dodged the lamp as it crashed into the wall. This wasn't something unusual in our relationship, matter of fact it was a daily routine. Ryan and I have been together since I was seventeen and he was twenty- four. Weird? Yes. But it's not like he wanted it to happen, it just did. We met  at a Teenage Depression Rehab therapy I used to attend in high school. I was sent there because I was a complete wreck. Fucked up in the head. Ryan at the time was a counselor who helped out with activities. And our relationship just happened. He know my past and how the monsters in my head eat me alive. He knew my insecurities more then I did.

And I fucking hated it.

Hated him for how good he was, how perfect he was. How generous and kind he was. How he made me fall so damn hard into his arms and love him with all my being. 

"Elizabeth please calm done love. Relax, please," he asked in soft voice.  His voice was so smooth and gentle, like chocolate. Gosh, he was an angel. Tall and ripped, muscles everywhere but not to the point were he looked disgusting, but enough to let you know he was a man. Milk chocolate for skin and the most beautiful brown eyes ever. He was an African God, beautiful on the inside and out.

And I loathed him for it.

Why? He was perfect,so why do I hate him? Well, I  told you before if you were paying attention.

I was fucked up in the head. And still am.

Ryan didn't do anything wrong to trigger my break down, no he never does. Im just a piece of shit that doesn't deserve him. What caused our current situation was the fact that we went out to the movies and some whore was flirting with him. He,of course, didn't flirt back, but I got angry as always. I walked out of the movies theaters and walked home with him chasing me all the way back. But I wasn't mad that the whore was flirting with him.

I was mad beacuse she wasn't a whore and she was gorgeous and completely normal.

Things I weren't and would never be.

I am a whore, my step father made sure I was. You see, when  was five my mother died of cancer. b My biological father was a douchebag who lefted my mom when she was pregenant. Therefore, my step-father "raised" me. 

A fucking lie.

SInce I was fourteen and started puberty,  he couldn't keep his greedy, disgusting, and perverted hands to himself. Him and his brother raped and beat me until I graduated high school.  Flithy idiots destroyed me inside and out. They were the cuase of all my flaws and issues. 

THEY MADE ME THIS WAY.

"Baby, please listen. Calm down before the neighbors start knocking on our doors again. I love you baby, so much. I not going to fight you so relax." I snorted. I hated when he said that. 

"I don’t like you, so fuck you anyway! You make me wanna scream at the top of my lungs that It hurts...You fucking suck anyway!" I snobbed. No matter how angry I was, I knew I couldn't ever deny the fact that he was my everything.

My love.

My rock.

My air.

My fucking sanity.

Something I thougt I lost years ago, something that I thought died along with my mother.

But no, it came back in the form of Ryan.

And that is what caused my demons of the past and the sinners crawling in my mind to treat him and others the way I do.

Like shit.

Ryan slowly walked towards me, careful as to not seem threatening.Ryan pushed the beat up furniture and shattered glass pieces out of the way until he arrived to me. Our apartment wasn't the best, it was rundown actually.  And located in one of the most dangerous blocks in town. But with my psychotic ass, it looked as WW1 occured in the apartment.

When Ryan finally reached me, he wrapped his arms around me tight. Not tight enough to the point were I couldn't breathe, but strong enough so I couldn't escape. His arms was the only place I ever truly felt safe and where the voices in my head evaporate into thin air.

But insanity got a hold on me everytime I was at peace.

I stared to fight in his grasp. I clawed at his chest, I bit his right arm, I kicked him and I punched him but I wasn't strong enough to push him away.  I was never ever emotionally, meantally, and physically strong to defeat someone in a fight. So I stopped fighting, and began to cry my heart out.

I always lost a fight because I was and still am a weak, disgusting, and comepletely insane beast.

I ate myself alive.

" You're disgusting you bitch. Filthy and ugly, such an ugly little beast you are. You hurt everyone's eyes to look at. You are worth nothing. And never will be treated as a human being. You are the reason your mother died," I hear the words of my step father. Remembering them makes me sob harder and clench on to Ryan's arms tighter.

"Pathetic..."

"Useless..."

"Whore..."

"Human trash..."

All the voices shout louder and louder, making me sob harder because I know they're true.

The truth about my nature and the truth about my existence.

I don't deserver Ryan, he and I and everyone knows that is a fact.

"Shh baby calm down, don’t stop breathing, fight those demons. Just sell your soul to me, not your whole self." He coos as he placed gente kisses on my forehead. But I just sob harder and wish I was dead already.

I just want to fall into an eternal sleep where I can fully recover. I just want to close my eyes and sleep a  nightmare free sleep.

I hate myself. I deserve nothing or no one.Being me can only mean feeling scared to breathe. If Ryan leaves me then I’ll be afraid of everything. The thought makes me anxious, gives me patience,  and calms me down. Now, do you understand why I love him yet hate him?Why I can't be with him yet can't let him leave me?

I love him.

I hate him.

Its a constant battle that I fight daliy.

I want to sleep and never see him or anyone ever again.

But I'm afraid that once I finally  wake up, somebody else might end up being me.

Being in his strong arms and receiving his love.

And I can't have that.

"When I wake up I’m afraid, somebody else might take my place

When I wake up I’m afraid, somebody else might take my place

When I wake up I’m afraid, somebody else might take my place

When I wake up I’m afraid, somebody else might end up being me." - Afraid by TheNeighbourhood

Hola ! I'm back you guys ! Okay I know some of you are going crazy for updates on Imagine Dragonsand they are coming soon. It's just that I've been obssessed with this song so I had to write a short story for it. But if you guys want these to be an actually story, like her life and blah then message me, but in order for that to happen I must have at least..50 votes ? And 50 comments. But if this is to become a story, it will be created after I finish Imagine Dragons.