Broken Record

Prologue

Codi always had life handed to him. His parents paid upfront for his entire college, his grandpa had a farm, promising Codi a job for him to one day take over, his uncle handed him down a 1990's Camaro, and he even lived in a beautiful three-story country-styled house with just his parents (which also had a pretty little creek that wound perfectly around the yard behind it). A pretty perfect little life for a pretty perfect little family. Though Codi had everything given to him, he only gave one thing to me. The one good thing Kodi ever did for me was bring Jasmine into my life. Jasmine was my best friend, my college cat. The only reason I was allowed to have her on campus and in my dorm room was because of a law over emotional support animals. I never knew about this law until Codi brought it to my attention. I got my therapist to write me a letter of recommendation to my college, so they would allow me to have Jasmine on campus. Being able to come home to at least one thing that loved me was what kept me going.

~

One night, I had been sitting on my bedroom carpet folding laundry. Codi and I were "on a break." He had been seeing another woman. (This wasn't the first time.) Distraught, I had done my laundry to try to keep my mind busy, but busy work never seemed to help. I sat cross-legged and bawling like a baby on my cold linoleum floor while I folded each article of clothing. It startled me to hear the door to my bedroom open and close so abruptly. Embarrassed, I buried my face into my hands.

"Oh... I thought you were laughing..."

Laughing? How the hell does crying sound like laughing!

I sat silently, unwilling to look up at the familiar voice. No doubt, it was Kodi. I could pick out his voice anywhere. Codi sighed and dropped a tiny gray box into my lap. Confused, I picked it up.

"What's this?" I asked, still refusing to look at him.

"I wanted to show you how much I love you, how much I love us, how much I want us to work...Pen... you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I don't want to lose you."

He didn't even say he was sorry... Though I was upset, curiosity got the best of me as I opened up the dainty, grey box. Two gold bracelets fell out into my lap. I picked them up and hung them loosely on two fingers. They each had a gold bar on them, one reading His Queen, the other reading Her King. Codi picked up, out of my hand, the bracelet reading His Queen.

"My love for you will always remain for as long as I wear this." He said, softly, as he snapped the bracelet onto his muscular wrist. It looked so out-of-place. A feminine piece of jewelry embellishing a masculine arm.

"You didn't even apologize..." I whispered, staring at the floor.

"What?" He said, more sternly than I was expecting.

This was it. No more holding back. No more staying silent. No more obedience to an unfaithful master. I whipped my face around to glare at him, and yelled, "You didn't even say you're sorry!"

"Wanna know why?" He yelled back as he bent down to grip my cheeks. I stared straight into his eyes, unwavering, and refused to respond. "Because I'm not!" He spat out the words as if they were a pungent taste in his mouth.  "Now I'm going to go lift. I'll talk to you afterwards...maybe." He stomped out of my room and slammed the door behind him.

I'm unsure how long I sat there, but my legs had begun to sting with numbness' needle pricks. Robotically, I made my way to my roommate's and my shared bathroom. I reached my hand into the top drawer of my storage tower, and rustled its items around until my fingertips felt a familiar plastic handle. With the closing clank of the toilet seat, I sat down and traced my fingers along my utility knife, and, without thinking, switched it open. I stuck the point of the blade down into the middle of my wrist, and felt the nostalgic pop of releasing skin. I slowly drug the edge down my wrist and towards the bend of my arm. Blood immediately began to bead, slowly trickling down my wrist. I stopped, staring at my untouched left wrist. Then, the realization hit. What was I doing? I promised Kodi I would never cut myself again! But he's gone now... It doesn't matter... Nothing matters... Without any time left to think, the door to the bathroom creaked opened as my roommate walked in.

"Penny! Jesus Christ!" The look of my roommate's face was filled with complete horror.

I had lost so much blood that my roommate rushed me to the hospital. This was the worst mistake I had ever made. Stopping halfway through would always be the worst mistake I've ever made.

~

I awoke to the faint sound of beeping, and the strong smell of sterilization. The seats in front of my hospital bed, where I assume my parents had been sitting, were empty. All that was left was my mother's purse, adorned with a pair of my father's black sunglasses. A sudden rustling sound beside my bed startled me. Flinching, I glanced in the sound's direction.

"You're awake..." It was Codi. I said nothing. He shook his head and covered his face. Tears escaped beneath his hands. "I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I love you." He dropped his hands from his face and rushed over to my bedside. Kneeling down, he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, pulling me into a tight embrace. I sat there silent and emotionless, un-moving and un-accepting of his hold. He was a child, playing with me like one would with its matchbox cars. This was our cycle. We were a broken record, never moving on, always stuck in this cycle, and always on repeat.