Welcome to the 21st century.

0.05

Chapter 0.05

— Francis Damon's Pov

I stared at the razor blade i'm holding.

Why is life so hard to handle?

I'm tired of being lonely..

Why do I have to be like this? Why do I have to be so worthless?

I tried to talk to them and they just told me "Arte mo lang yan" .

I told them that I cried for no reason and they said "Nababaliw ka na naman"

I tried to reach out but they just laughed and said "Sus depressed daw. Bat di halata?"

 I cried and asked for help but they just said "Lilipas rin yan"

Bakit ako, kapag may problema sila at kailangan nila ng advice at tulong ko di ko sila tinatawanan, di ko sila binabalewala.

Hindi ako yung tipong iiyak sa harap mo at sasabihing may problema ako dahil sanay akong mag isa at itago ang lungkot na namumutawi sa puso ko pero ngayon, humingi ako ng tulong sainyo, hindi niyo manlang pinansin. Wala ba talaga kayong pakiramdam? Hindi halata na ganito ako dahil halos lahat ng oras parang masaya ako. Hindi niyo ba nakikita ang mga mata ko? Bakit kapag kayo na ang nangangailangan hindi ako ganyan sainyo? Madali akong kausap, bakit kayo hindi? Siguro kapag nasa hukay na ako diyan niyo lang maaalala na humingi ako sainyo ng tulong, direkta man o hindi.

Sabi niyo kaya ko to kasi nakapagbibigay ako ng payo sainyo kapag ganito kayo. Hindi puro payo ang kailangan ko, kailangan ko ng makikinig at yayakap saakin kapag umiiyak ako. Kailangan kong maipadama niyo ang pagmamahal ng isang pamilya at kaibigan saakin sa tuwing nagiging marupok ako.

Bumangon ako sa kama at inilagay ang blade sa nightstand. Sa gilid ng nightstand, nakita ko ang diary ko. Kinuha ko iyon at lumabasa sa kwarto ko.

"Look who came out from their cave." My brother said as he ate his breakfast.

I ignored him saka dumiretso sa kusina para magpa-alam kang mama.

"Oh, good morning Damon. How's your day?" My mom smiled when she noticed me.

"Good." I'm actually dying.

"I prepared your lunch already. Do you want to eat first before you go?" She showed me the lunch she made.

"No thanks ma, busog pa ako." I faked a smile. "Mauuna na ako, i love you ma." I kissed her cheeks and hugged her.

———

As i drove my way to the school, the voices of the people who made fun of my depression began to rang in my ears.

Hindi ko namalayan na may nahuhulog na palang luha mula sa mata ko. I didn't bother to wipe it off.

"I can't stand myself, I hate myself for being so weak, for being so good and for being like this.

I always act prim and proper, I always act so strong in front of them.

I smile at them and even laugh.

No one notices that it was all an act, no one notices the real me feeling empty.

Many people always took me for granted. I always give but they never give back. I don't really mind as long as they're happy.

But why do I feel so betrayed, and nothing? Sometimes, even though they still keep on abusing my kindness that it hurt so damn much, I don't have the guts to fight back.

My mom taught me to be good to others because being a good person is better.

Little by little my passion for singing, art, and instrumentals died and I can't seem to revive it anymore.

I do have best friends, but they never asked me if I'm okay.

I understand them because I know that they have their own lives. I don't want to be added as a problem and headache to them. I care and love all of them but sometimes I wonder, do they love me as I love them? Do they care for me like how I care for them? I have my family, I love them and I know they also love me. Still, it wasn't enough. I feel like I am being suffocated by myself. I am my own demon and I hate that I cannot do anything about it. Even so, I'm still trying my best to hold on because my very reason to be alive is my family and God. I pray that this feeling of emptiness should disappear because it's really eating my sanity."

I cried harder.

My vision starts to blur.

Hindi ko na namalayan na may truck na papalapit.

And then everything went black.

——

its not the ennnnndddd and im sorry for not updating for like 6969 months.
p.s [stream fake love pls.]