A Muse

5: Jungkook

   "Little brother, the circles under your eyes are no joke; are you okay?" Jung-hyun asks me as I make my way into the living room.

   I just glance at him. His eyes follow me to the couch where I plop heavily down next to him. I know he is waiting for an answer, so I tilt my face toward him.

   "Couldn't sleep, hyung, but I'm fine. When did you get here?"

   Jung-hyun checks his watch, "It's noon now, so about three hours ago."

   I close my eyes and nod, and I feel a yawn building. My brother's eyes are on me again, and I can feel his worry; I slowly lean over until I fall, my head hitting his lap. He laughs a little, but he runs a hand through my hair.

   "I'm glad you're here, hyung," I say softly.

   "I'm glad too, little brother. I'll take care of you."

   I feel a sting behind my eyelids, but I swallow it down. The feelings are bad right now, but they will pass; the bad ones don't stay for too long.

   "Hyung, do you remember going to that performance with the girl and I two years ago?"

   His hand stills in my hair, and I hear him hum a bit, "Actually, I do remember; there were a lot of good dancers. What brought that up?"

   "Do you remember the only boy that danced that night?"

   "Yeah, he was the only blonde one," Jung-hyun states.

   "I saw him perform again. Last night," I tell my brother quietly.

   My brothers stomach touches the back of my head as he leans down to peer at the side of my face, "Really? I remember how much you loved his performance the first time. How was it?"

   "Beautiful," I tell him, "It was beautiful, and I couldn't even tell him."

   "Why not? You got scared didn't you, brother?"

   I nod, keeping silent. My brother stays silent for awhile too, running his hand through my hair. Neither of us say anything, but Jung-hyun has always been a good hyung; he knows what I'm trying to convey to him.

   "Well, little brother, how will you ever say thank you to him if you don't speak?"

   I crane my neck to look back at him, almost shocked. It has been so long since I was alone with my brother, and I forgot that he always knows what to say to me. I turn my head back to where it was, and he pets my head comfortingly.

   "You're right. I should thank him, but don't you think it will be weird since he doesn't know me? How am I supposed to say 'Hey, thanks for your performance two years ago and again last night; it really stuck with me, and it helps me through hard times'. Isn't that weird coming from a stranger?" I ask Jung-hyun.

   "Little brother, if you don't speak to him now then you will always be strangers, and I know that isn't what you truly want. You can say what you need to say to him early or later, but first you have to actually speak to him," my brother replies to me, and I can hear the smile in his voice.

   "This isn't funny," I say with a pout.

   That makes him laugh, "No, but I'm just so happy that you're talking to me about it."

   "What do you mean? You act like I don't speak to you, hyung."

   "I mean that you normally keep your feelings to yourself; Jungkook, you sometimes come off as cold to people because it's hard for you to express your feelings. I'm your brother; I know how you are," he says to me gently.

   I don't have anything to say to that because he isn't wrong. He is such a good brother, and I am grateful for the way he shines so brilliantly. We don't speak, but his hand never stops petting my head, and I can feel myself drifting out of consciousness as sleep steals me away from the world.

***

   I slept all day, and I even slept during the night. My body was acting as if it was sick, but my body is fine; my mind is what is sick sometimes.

   "Jungkook?" My brother's voice questions from behind the closed door.

   I check the time, and it's 5:47 am. I roll to face the door, and he knocks again.

   "Come in, hyung."

   The door swings in slowly, and my brother tip toes insides. He shuts the door behind him before nearing the bed and sitting beside me. He looks down at my face.

   "What are you doing awake?" He asks me.

   "I can ask you the same question, hyung," I shoot back at him.

   "My schedule has made me an early riser, and I wanted to check on you. Are you feeling better, little brother?"

   "I'm okay, hyung, don't worry about me," I tell him as I close my eyes.

   "Then what are you doing awake so early? Also, I will always worry about you, Jungkook."

   "I only woke up a bit ago, and it's probably because I slept all day," I say, "I'm sorry for sleeping when you only get a short amount of time with us."

   "Little brother, it's okay. I'm sure you've been stressed out because of school, and the boy. Scoot over," he commands.

   I look up at him, and he makes a shooing motion with his hands. I smile at him, a whole smile, because I know that he's about to lay down with me like he would when we were kids. I scoot closer to the wall, and he stretches out beside me; my feet reach the end of the bed, but his don't. When did I get taller than him?

   "I'm really proud of you, Jungkook-ah," my brother says softly into the darkness.

   "Hyung, don't—"

   Jung-hyun cuts me off, "No, brother, I want you to hear what I have to say to you."

   I close my mouth, and I roll to look at him. He is staring up at the ceiling of my room, and his hands are clasped behind his head; his ankles are crossed, and he looks at home.

   "You are a strong kid, Jungkook, and I am proud of you," he starts, "I know you have a hard time talking about some things, and I won't press though you should know that I'm your hyung. It's my duty to listen to you, to protect you, and to love you.

   "I know I work a lot, but I'm simply a phone call away. Talk to me, little brother, please. I need to know that I haven't failed you as a hyung."

   My brother covers his face with his hand; his body doesn't shake, his voice does not betray him, but I know that he is hiding the fact that he is crying from me. My kind hyung, I do not deserve your tears.

   "Jung-hyun hyung, I could not have asked for a better hyung. I'm okay, and you have helped with my uncertainty."

   "I will be better, Jungkook..." he trails off.

   Instead of giving him more words, I scoot closer to his side and simply rest my head against his shoulder. He doesn't remove his hand from his face, nor do I acknowledge that he is crying rather I comfort him the only way I know how. I put myself in his care, and I trust him as well as I can. Neither of us sleep, but we share our company like we did as kids.

   I begin to wonder if he needed my presence as much as I needed his, and I am reminded of how grateful I am to have him as my hyung. I will be better also.