Life Is A Bitch, Right?

The midnight call and a party spirit broken.

All alone I toss and turn somewhere between sleep and consciousness. I find a dream and it seems so real. My parents are together again, back to the way it was over a year ago. My dad denying me of what I need just so he can save money for his fix of beer and cigs. But of course we just any afford it. He doesn't do those things. No more college dreams. No more hope for a decent life after high school. Time to shop where my mom spoils my older sisters and tells me to fuck off, my dad nowhere in sight. Chris stays with me, trying to spoil me, laughing and being silly. I wake up from my dream to the sound of his voice. One word.

"hello?" uh...what? Oh hey. Whats going on?

I feel asleep next to my iPod and woke up to a call that started with my face hitting the button. We talk for an hour, barely staying awake. Best way to wake up is to the sound of his beautiful voice. Hanging up to return to sleep, but sleep doesn't find me. Reminiscing about the nearly perfect day I had and the surprise party thrown for him by you. Then I remember the shit mom did to try ruining it. So much work while she sat around. Cleaning up after her and my sis. My dad showing up once again out of the blue for no reason, expecting us to drop everything and stop our world for him. Reading the official papers that say he's divorced he drops low, knowing that it's truly over. Without a home, without a wife, with only pieces of a broken life. He tags along everywhere we go, aiming for redemption after years of physical and mental pain. I forgive him until I get another threat, all threads of respect shredded to pieces and more hatred burning in my heart, even though I'll get over it. I wish I wasn't so forgiving. Mom making me hurt inside, dad making me scared, both making me feel worthless. Craving the razor I keep it tucked away, denying myself of the sweet feeling of metal on my skin. Heart racing, head spinning I decorate for the party, not alone for once in my life. Help from two friends make everything better in my mind, feeling loved once again. A text summons Chris and I tell him my sisters half dressed to get him to close his eyes before he steps in the door. Opening them he gasps and smiles, he never saw this coming. Tackled by one of the two other guests he screams and holds his chest after the embrace. Excited and scared he walks to the other guest and the party begins. Everything perfect except for the exclusive bitching from my mother, always away from the guests. The party ends and we lay alone on the couch, just me and Chris, nothing else is important. My mom tells him to go home and he waits for his ride home, and just as it arrives my mom screams to say goodbye and let him leave. I walk him out and return to her anger and yelling. He stayed too long. The streamer needs taken down. Clean everything up. She lays on my bed as I clean the living room, falling into darkness once again, pushed by my mother. She rushes me though there was a lot to do and only me doing it. Not fast enough. Not clean enough. I'm still not good enough to be mommy's baby girl. All I want is her love but I only get her hate.