The thing with death, it's always there, no matter how hard you try to ignore it, it's always there, following you, anticipating the day it's needed, ready to 'catch' you. We spend our lives counting down to death, celebrating the years closer to the day we'll be gone. Silly really. People have different views on death, some think it's good, that when it comes it comes, live your life to the full and whatnot. Others think of it as a hurdle, an extra obstacle, yet another thing in the way of life, constantly fearing it, trying to get away from it, letting it demand to be noticed. Some think of it as a person, someone who died, wanting to be noticed, remembered and loved, pitying the living. Me however, I think of it as a good thing, something to embrace. I can't get away from it, i know that more than you ever will, I can constantly feel it, jabbing away inside of me, getting closer and closer to the surface. Forcing me to remember it's there, creeping up on me. Like it's standing behind the locked door, waiting for me to unlock it, releasing it's power to kill. I've known my whole life I'd die. We all do, pretend it's not there, when all along we know it is, it's our way of living, shutting out the fear of death, but only just enough so that it reminds us to live properly. Some evolve by becoming more advanced, us however, we just evolve to remember, yet at the same time forget. Fighting yet surrendering. Pretending when we know.
I used to be optimistic, see it half full, 'brought joy to everyone you did' said my mother, I used to, that was until I was a victim, being taunted and mocked by death, rendering me closer to the edge. You probably think I was going to take my life don't you, see that's another thing with humans, we see symptoms and label them, before we really know anything. I've lived the last 10 years being constantly labeled, in one way or another. But the main thing I hate about dying is doctors saying 'your a brave soldier' , I'm not. We're not. We never will be. It's like going to war, seeing others die right before you, being taken apart one piece at a time, then returning home, traumatised, scared, and affected in more ways than one could ever imagine, in fear of it happening again. We just have to pretend to be, other wise we wouldn't cope, we wouldn't live, we wouldn't be a survivor, despite all the charities and fundraising and wish granting. None of its necessary, they'll never find a cure, it's hopeless, and if they do, well full marks to them, but the lives we had are gone, and I guess we'll never know.
Your probably wondering who I am. I'm Gareth Gale. Aged 17. Born 23rd of May 1997, precisely 00:03am. But why does any of that actually matter, the day was gone, it'll never be back. You don't care, nor will you ever. I guarantee in the next 10 minutes you'll have forgotten. Let alone the next forever. But I guess I'll tell you the rest anyway, it doesn't really make a difference anyway. I live in England. York actually. In a little village named Bedale, I live out in the sticks, far away from any kind of civilisation, consequently I had very few friends. Which of now are non-existing, due to what began in 2008.
I had cancer. And no, I'm not a survivor. Nor am I living with it.
I am dying with it.
I was living with it. Surviving with it, then being a survivor of it.
But what does that matter.
A boy with cancer is always a boy with cancer. Despite what doctors tell you. They lie to keep you going, patronise you to make you believe them, force yourself to believe you can do it, when really you can't. You may succeed, but whatever the outcome you can't escape it.
After all the world is an ever rotating sphere of life and death.
