Why bother fighting to live when we are going to die anyway?
Wether it's sudden, gradual, known or usual, you will die, you can't change it, help it, or avoid it. Only 'live' with it.
Accept the concept and live.
I learnt to.
I remember when my best friend in hospital died, Kyle Summers, he had the same type of cancer as me, lung cancer. He was moved into my ward on May the 25th, 2 days after me, me being based in there on May 23rd 2008, my 11th birthday. Fun right.
We shared stories and jokes all day everyday, laughing light heartedly ignoring the severe war going on inside us. Forgetting that we were constantly battling ourselves to survive, and at that very point in time we didn't need oxygen tanks, or multiple wires hooking us up to beeping machines, all we needed was each other's awful jokes and embarrassing stories. Laughter kept us going.
But like all good things, it has to end. Nothing lasts forever, you will learn that one day wether it's through death, sacrifice or fault, it can never be infinite.
3 months after being placed in my ward, located right beside me, Kyle was killed.
You probably assumed he was killed by the internal war, but he wasn't.
He was doing fine with the treatment, keeping going, living his life. Potentially recovering.
See that was the problem, he lived his life, tried to make something of it.
He had his one wish. To go to see the northern lights in Norway, the wish grantors granted it. They described it as a 'once in a lifetime opportunity' , it only happened once I'll give them that. He stayed there for 2 days, getting the plane back home to England on August 28th, at precisely 2:45pm. The flight went smoothly, they took off, flew for half an hour through the light clouds, 8,000 meters above the ground, quite a lot for someone who doesn't like heights.
He described it in his letter 'I am almost in the stars! Close enough to touch them! It is wonderful! I love flying, maybe one day I'll be a pilot, when I get out of this state. Can't wait to see you when I land back in England! We'll have to meet up!
Love your bestfriend,
Kyle x' only he didn't land, we didn't meet up again, he stayed up there, in the clouds, touching the stars. And all I had left of him was the letter.
I read those words over and over, 'maybe one day' , for 2 years, they were the only things that kept me fighting. He was the only reason I kept fighting.
I wanted to live to fulfil the life he never got to live.
I was not doing it in memory of him.
Many people seem to get this confused, I do not mourn over him, I do not do it to commemorate the loss of his life.
I do it for him. Because he deserves to be remembered and noticed by this universe, he did not need to be famous or well known, only well loved, and he will then be well remembered.
However, over the years I've got used to death, the people surrounding me disappearing one by one. After Kyle I grew to learn to not make friends, either in the hospital or outside of four walls, I learnt not to get attached, to ignore people, block them out.
After all, you'll only get hurt in the long run.
