I'm Happy If You're Happy With Yourself

I'm Happy If You're Happy With Yourself (Chapter 10)

Chapter 10

The sky was filled with terrible black clouds that poured rain so heavy that the sound of it hitting the ground was almost deafening as Taylor Miller ran across the street to her apartment block. Tears streamed down her face but the people she passed didn't seem to notice; no one really noticed her at all.

She crashed through the door of her apartment and threw her sodden coat on the sofa and finally let out the sobs that she'd been choking back all the way home. She had just gotten the news that she'd been fired and without the money from that job, she would have to move back to the UK and away from Alex. Not that any of that mattered, Alex would probably forget about her after a few days, everyone always forgot about her. He would just pick up another girl from a show, he had plenty of girls to choose from!

Tay made her way to the small bathroom towards the back of the apartment and looked at herself in the mirror. 'You're just a piece of shit' a voice inside her head told her 'No one likes you because you're an ugly bitch! Everyone in the UK is glad that you've gone and there's no point running to Alex because he doesn't care either!'

Tay knew the voice in her head was just herself taking the news about being fired too hard but she also couldn't help thinking that maybe it was right.

She looked at herself in the mirror. Her hair was damp and hung limply around her face. Her eyeliner was smudged from the rain and her mascara ran down her face where her tears were still falling. She hated herself so much.

Without hesitation, Tay reached under the sink and grabbed her razor blade. 'Just a few cuts,' she told herself, 'Then I'll feel better!'

She lowered her skinny jeans to show her pale legs. 'God, they look fat!' She thought to herself as she stared down at them. She would have loved to be thinner but she told herself it wasn't worth it; skinny or fat, she was worthless either way.

She sat down on the toilet seat and lowered the blade until it was just grazing the skin on her thigh. She had never cut her legs before 'There's a first time for everything!' She thought as she pressed down as hard as she could bare. Slowly - it had to be slowly for the pain to last longer - she dragged the razor blade across her skin, leaving in its wake a trail of crimson blood.

"Fuck!" She cursed as the blood ran down the side of her leg and onto the floor. She grabbed for some toilet paper and held it over the wound, slowly soaking up the blood. It was a deep cut, one of the deepest she'd ever done, and it had felt good.

She did a few more cuts like this, but then thoughts of leaving Alex and moving back to the UK came into her mind and all of a sudden, she had no control. Her hand kept swiping the blade across her legs and soon she couldn't stop; she just kept slicing and slicing until barely any skin was visible through the crimson curtain that the razor had produced.

She stared down at her mutilated legs and cried. How could she have done this to herself? 'You're a mess!' The voice said, 'Alex is sure to leave you when he sees what you do to yourself, no one will ever love you, you might as well just kill yourself!'

"No!" Tay stood up, she swayed on her feet for a moment, perhaps she'd just lost too much blood? She decided to run a hot bath in order to clean the blood off her legs.

She lowered herself into the bath, slowly letting the water consume her body and wash away what she had done. The razor sat on the side of the bath beside her head and her eyes were constantly drawn to it.

'Go on! No one will miss you!' The voice carried on its relentless tormenting, 'All it takes is one swipe at the wrist!'

All Tay wanted was for the voice to stop! She just wanted all of this to end!

She looked at the blade and picked it up with caution; this could be the thing to end her life.

'Just one quick swipe and this will all end, you won't even have to see the dissapointment in Alex's eyes when you tell him you have to leave, or the joy!' The voice sniggered.

"ALRIGHT! I'LL DO IT!" Tay screamed and without any hesitation, she slit her wrist.

The blood poured out, running down her arm, across all of the old scars that she'd tried so hard to hide with all of her bracelets and wristbands.

She had never thought she'd die alone. She actually felt scared as she felt the flow of her life being drained. She just wished she'd got to say goodbye to Alex, even if she hadn't meant that much to him, he had meant a lot to her.

The world became a blur and the room began to swim. The only sound was the rippling of the bath water every time she moved.

Just before she lost consiousness and fell into a world of darkness, she could faintly see the bathroom door being flung open and a figure rushing over to her. She could just about hear her name being called as her body began to shut down. The person dove their hands into the water and grabbed her, roughly dragging her out of the tub.

Then the world went black.