Sincerely, Maddy

6

//pills and other methods//

In the middle of the year, specifically November and December, I started to not eat. I got rid of everything, every health fact I knew and went for it.

I narrowed it down to my number one rule
40 calories a day is enough.
Elena made it harder for me to do that.

She started to come over more and I didn't want her to find out anything I was hiding. I played it cool and acted as the other childish me.

She was like my guardian angel. Protecting me from doing anymore harmful acts.

2.) 40 calories a day did not work out. I visited my doctor and found out I had lost 18 pounds.
I wanted something higher.
I needed something higher.
My doctor said that she was 'proud' of me and yadde yadda. I'm so proud of you! Now we just need to find out how you STAY healthy.
Key word Stay.
I knew damn right i wasn't healthy. And I didn't want anyone to sugarcoat that for me.

One day, Elena came over and we were blowing bubbles from a sock, don't ask. I accidently got soap in my mouth and it seemed like my throat was closing tightly.

I remembered something I watched from a show (Red Band society) and I ran to my bathroom and stuck my toothbrush throat so I could throw up the bubbles.
And then thats when it all sparked. Bulimia.

3.) After a couple months, I finally told Elena what I've been doing to myself.
Her expression mad my heart sink.
She was mad at me. I would be mad too if she did that, so she had every right to be mad.
I told her the minor details, but she tells me the same old thing
You're beautiful just the way you are .
<But I know I'm not>

About a month later I found fat burning pills on my moms medicine shelf. The bottle had been there for ages so I decided to take one just to see if they worked. The bottle read 'Adults only' and some of the warnings were listed on there too.
Birth defects, Organ failure
All that stuff

And I'm still on that.
Yet I still taste the bitterness of the pill, like how I tasted the bitterness of a lost opportunity.