Who We Once Were | Remus Lupin

Chapter One

August, 1993

When Remus heard the news that Sirius Black had escaped from Azkaban he didn't know what to think. A million thoughts and emotions swirled through his head at once, but one stuck the most.

Fear.

He wasn't afraid of Sirius. He was afraid of what would happen if they ever came face to face. He wouldn't know what to say. If Sirius tried to kill him, would he be able to fight back? He wasn't so sure.

For the past twelve years he did all he could to forget about Sirius. His betrayal hurt worse than the cruciatus curse. Even still, he sometimes doubted that Sirius had really killed their friend Peter Pettigrew and all of those muggles. Perhaps he wouldn't have believed it if they weren't fighting before it all happened, and if there weren't so much evidence that pointed straight at him.

Now that Sirius was back it would be impossible to forget him. Instead of focusing on their later years just before Sirius was arrested, he tried to remember all the good times back when they were at Hogwarts. Things were so simple back then.

He looked at the Daily Prophet, at the man he didn't even know. He was once very handsome. Now, his hair was much longer than it had ever been. It was straggly and it looked like he hadn't taken a shower in ages. His eyes were sunken as were his cheeks, his skin sallow. He thought with a jolt that Sirius probably hadn't been eating right for so long, then he wondered why he even cared.

A loud knock interrupted his thoughts.

"Remus! It's me! Maia!" he heard from the other side of the door.

"Just one moment!" Remus called back.

Remus quickly shoved the newspaper under another stack of old papers, none of which featured his old friend. He looked in the mirror to ensure that he looked decent before opening the door for his friend.

"Hello Maia," he said. "Do come in, if you'd like."

Maia nodded in thanks and stepped inside of his rather messy apartment. She took a look around and clucked her tongue. Without saying anything else she shoved aside a pile of clothes (not seeming to care whether they were dirty or not) on his couch and sat down.

"I apologize for the mess," Remus said, sitting beside her. "I wasn't expecting any visitors."

"Oh, I don't mind. Sammy, you remember Sammy right? Anyway, his room is usually much worse." She took in his state. His shabby robes and hair that was already starting to grey.

"I'd imagine so. How old is he now?" Remus asked politely. He was hardly interested in hearing about her son. He knew it was wrong to think so, but ever since that boy was born Maia hardly seemed to care about paying a visit to her friend. 

Her first lit up then, and Remus felt a little bit of his bitterness ebb away. "Eleven next week. He'll be starting his first year at Hogwarts. Oh Remus, he's so excited!"

"That's good." He managed a small smile. Usually, any thoughts of Maia brought along thoughts of Sirius. Now here she was, right in front of him. He suddenly felt like a kid again. If he thought hard enough, he could feel the ghost of Sirius's hand in his. The soft and gentleness of it that no one knew but Remus.

"How are you holding up?" There was genuine concern in Maia's eyes, and Remus almost felt bad about not wanting to tell her the truth.