Memories

The Present

Chapter 2: The Present

Many people can go their whole life, without ever seeing the ocean. I was born near it. And I could never imagine a world without it. For me, the ocean meant peace. It was here, that I always found it. Whenever I needed some room to breathe, or just needed some time alone, I would venture into the dunes, and watch as the waves would wash away any doubt that might have crept inside my mind.
It had been so many years, since my fate had been decided. Even though my life started as a cruel dream from the nine hells, I had managed to fight back the darkness for so many years. But at last, it seems like death have caught up with me. I can feel my bones aching; my heart is trying to keep the beat going. But the fight has already been lost. My eyes are getting darker, and a shadow is slowly crawling forth. "Nicholas!" I heard someone calling my name behind me and turned my head in the direction of the voice; there stood Ueda, my boyfriend, all sweaty from running through the sand dunes. "What are you doing up here? Your family is worried about you, since you just left without a word..." He said, still trying to catch his breath.
Oh, what a fine boy he is. Not the tallest of them all, but for me he was just perfect, 5'7" with an athletic build, brown eyes and short black hair 27 years old, he was a full blood Japanese with a long family line of retainers. I was 6'6", thin, short brown-grayish hair and blue eyes, like the ocean, and 23 years old.
As if he could see the darkness hanging over me. He walks over, kneels down and hugs me. Lightly brushing his lips over the tip of my ear. "Please tell me, when you're feeling bad. I know you don't like seeing them, smiling and happy. But try and bear with it, for just a little while longer. You know they are going to leave soon. So what do you say, let's go down there and give them a good farewell!" I hear him whisper to my ear. He waits a few seconds, slowly retracting his body from mine so that he could see straight into my eyes. "Once they are gone, would you please tell me what you were thinking about?" I look over at him, nodding; I could see the sadness on his face. He could always see right through me, he always knew when the darkness was coming. Slowly, a smile was forming on his face; it always helped me when he did that. But I never liked to see him sad, so I tried to force a smile out and immediately he pouted at me, not happy with my reaction. But just before I could say anything to him, he began to stand up, and slowly I followed suit. Behind me I could hear waves crashing against the beach, and I slowly turned my head towards it. I don't know how long I ended up staring out into the vastness of the ocean. But slowly I felt a hand in my own. "....Come on Nicholas...." He said, slowly pulling my hand so as to turn my body away from the ocean. With one last glimpse at it, I turned my head away.

On the way back to the summer house, Ueda had kept on trying to lighten my mood. And he almost succeeded, but everything went away without leaving any trace, as I stepped through the door to the living room and my eyes met with my mothers. "Nicholas, where did you go? We were just talking about the time when Steven would always have to go out to look for you, when you were younger." My mother said as she laid her eyes on me.
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Ueda tensing up, I knew he was thinking of me, but it was immediately replaced with caring eyes. I could feel his thumb slowly caressing my hand that he was still holding. Slowly I gave his hand a squeeze, to let him now that I was still here. I turned my head towards my mother, "Ya, well I did like to run around back then..." never looking straight into her eyes while talking. I looked over at my brother, giving him a face that was begging him to change the subject and he immediately spoke out, "Mom, dad, it's getting late, why don't we start getting our things together, before it gets too dark to see where we are going. And you know mom, you could end up catching a deer with your headlights again. "He said the last bit with a small smirk, causing my mom to blush slightly. "Well, Steven, should we talk about the time, when you didn't see the huge rock in front of my car, when you were driving it, the one you somehow were convinced that you could move by driving in to it?" My father responded between chuckles.
I had never told my family about my past. They knew that I was sick, and that it sometimes gave me severe attacks. But I never went into any details, and for some reason, none of them ever asked about it. The only people that knew everything about me was Ueda, his farther and the medical staff assigned to my case. My lawyer had some idea of what went on, but that was necessary with the line of work I had.
I must have been lost in thoughts, because in one minute, Steven and my father was joking with my mother around the dinner table, and the next they were hugging me, ready to leave the house and travel back home.
I could suddenly feel 2 small hands hugging my left leg, and as I looked down, I saw my niece looking up at me, sadness and sleepiness in her face; she obviously didn't want to leave. Immediately I kneeled down, so as to bring myself down to her height, and brought her into a big hug. "Don't worry Clara, we will see each other again, when I get back home in 2 weeks' time. And remember, I'm never further away than a phone call. "I said, as I lightly kissed her cheek. I really loved my niece. Not only because of whom she was or how cute she was in her little summer dress, but also because she reminded me of my own daughter; whom I had given away when she was born, because I didn't believe that a person who couldn't take responsibility of himself, would be able to raise a child and give it all the love in the world. Just as my brother was about to take Clara from my arms, I caught a glimpse in my mother's eyes. It was filled with sadness, but most of all, disappointment. I knew from long ago, that when she first discovered I was gay, she and my dad had thrown so many hateful words at me, including that I would never be able to further our family tree. My father had even gone so far as to say I was no son of his. Even though this was so long ago, it still hurt to think about. And through a moment of weakness, I felt Clara slipping from my hands, I could almost feel my heart jumping a couple of beats, while she hang in free air, luckily my brother was fast, and caught her, even before she noticed it herself. However, he had, and now he was looking directly into my eyes, searching. A few seconds later, it looked like he had found clue, as he slowly turned his head, so as to look in the direction I had been looking. And there he found his answer.

When he had fixed Clara in his car, and our mother and father were sitting in their car, waiting for my brother to leave as well. I saw him say something to Miranda, his wife, before walking towards me; when he stood in front of me he slowly brought me into a tight hug. "Don't you ever worry about them, they have done enough! I will always love you as my brother, even if I might not have been the best to show it when we were younger, I always watched you." He said loudly enough for both me and Ueda to hear. I immediately released him from our hug, and looked him straight in his eyes, something I rarely ever did to anyone, feelings of fear and curiosity was coursing through my veins. When he noticed my fear he continued, "I saw the darkness in you then, the same that lingers tonight. But you are here with us now. Ueda has been good for you, and kept you safe from yourself." He said, the last part looking at both of us. "But... How...?" I whispered to him. "And when he wasn't there, you were strong enough to endure, you kept looking forward. You may have stumbled a few times along the way, but you always managed to pull yourself up. I only had to step in once, and even then you were strong, you just needed a push in the right direction." He said, ignoring my question.
At that moment, I felt a mixture of happiness and sadness, tears slowly glazing my eyes, and a small whimper escaped my lips. My brother then brought me into yet another hug. We stayed like that for a few minutes, until he couldn't let our parents or his family, wait for him any longer. "Bye, little brother, I'll see you when I see you..." He said as he was turning towards his car. Clara was looking towards us, looking very sleepy; her small head kept nodding from side to side, trying to stay awake for just a little while longer. Just before he turned completely, he looked straight at Ueda. "Ueda, look after my little brother, whenever he stumbles, remember to nudge him forward." "Yes senpai." Ueda said in respect, always so honorable when talking to my family, but he always meant every word he said. He would never joke at a time like this. It was always funny too see Steven's reaction to being called senpai. I had once tried to explain it to him, but I gave up right when I was about to say the first word, because of how stupid Steven's face had been. Ya, my dumb brother, he understood people the way they act and their feelings, but anything beyond that was a mystery to him. Perhaps that's why he ended up becoming an actor and writer?
We watched as my brother opened the driver's seat door, and just as he was about to step in, in turned towards us, a big smirk showing on his face. "Oh, Ueda, treat him well tonight! Don't let him top you too much, otherwise you'll end up as his little kitten... Again..." He said, loudly enough for anyone to hear within a few 100 meters of us... Damn, Ueda was blushing like crazy now, and it made him look so damn hot. "Hush, Steven, don't step on my palmtop tiger!" I said as loud as I could, smirking when I saw his wife's face, which was blushing from what Steven, had said. On my left I could hear a whimper leaving Ueda's lips. When I looked at him, I could see that he had gone from a light blush to a deep pink. I quickly stepped towards him bringing one arm around his waist and the other grabbed a handful of his hair, as I quickly pulled his lips towards my own. It took him by surprise, and just before he was about to kiss me back, I moved my lips towards his neck, carefully moving his head out of the way, licking his neck from the base to his ear lope, causing him to moan deeply with each stroke. Behind me I could hear Steven laugh and say something to Miranda, about giving us the space we needed. As I heard his car door close, I tried to move away from Ueda, but Ueda's legs just gave away under him right as I tried. "Ueda, do you need help with your legs?" I said smirking, while liking my lips hungrily. After a few seconds of some mental battles, he was able to find a bit of strength and hold himself upwards. While keeping one arm around his waist to steady him, I turned towards the cars that were now slowly driving away from the house and started waving at them. After a minute or so, they had left the ground and had turned onto the dirt road leaving the area.
While they were driving away, I kept going through my memories, trying so hard to find signs of what Steven had been talking about. It didn't take long before I felt a hand crawling up my torso. Looking down, I met Ueda's sad eyes. "Let's go inside, you know it gets chilly out here when you are so close to the ocean, even though its summer." I said, meeting his eyes with my own hungry looking ones.