Falling Through The Rye

Falling Through the Rye: Part 1

I sort of watched Phoebe for a while, it's just that she looked real nice with her blue overcoat and all. Then all the sudden I started thinking about how much bigger Phoebe was. She looked just like our mother. It half killed me, thinking about Phoebe being like our mother. It really did. I watched phoebe reaching for the ring and she really looked like our mother. She really did.

I sort of imagining that phoebe was riding the goddamn horse around a field of rye. Everytime she got around, the horse got closer to the edge and Phoebe came closer to falling. At first I just stood there and watched. Then I got this real vomity feeling and I started trying to call out to her.

"Phoebe! Come on, Phoebe! Knock it off!" but she just kept riding that old horse around and around. The funny thing was that she just acted happy, like she didn't even know she was going to fall or anything. I wished she would cut the crap, it was really starting to scare the hell out of me. I tried to catch her. I really did. I couldn't. I don't know why, but I couldn't. She just kept acted so goddamn happy, going in circles. By then I was yelling at her like a mad man. Boy, was I acting mad when I heard my mother.

I was on the carousel right next to Phoebe. To tell the truth, it sort of scared me- not the way I was shaking her shoulders like a madman, what really scared me was Phoebe. She had a terrified expression and she looked real worried. Her eyes were even red and watering like hell.

"Holden! Holden, please... Your scaring me! Please... stop." she was sobbing now and right when I let go I heard a familiar voice from behind me.

"Holden? Is that you, Phoebe dear?" my mother said in her shrill goddamn voice.

"What is going on Holden?" She asked. That goddamn voice. You'd have hated it, trust me.

"I was.. Phoebe...she was going to fall off the cliff mother!" I shouldn't have said it- I'm a mad man, believe me. I shouldn'ta said it for God's sake. But I didn't think of it much. After that I sort of blacked out. I don't really remember much between then and the psychoanalyst at all.