Queer Hogwarts

Scores of Stairs

We exited the way we came, through the grand oak doors and turned sharply left.

"This way kiddy-winkles!" cried Rachel. "First wonder: the grand staircase!"

We looked up in awe at giant staircases of ornate marble, weathered with age and slightly yellowing but still magnificent. They matched the grandeur and aesthetic of the castle perfectly. We watched as the staircases moved slowly between square platforms and I swear I saw some pass right through each other. Students were already beginning to file up the stairs, older ones not even looking where they were going. One Gryffindor girl, probably third-year, had taken a step onto a staircase and it started moving under her, transporting her away from where she was intending to go. She said some rather unsavoury things to it and swore it did it on purpose to spite her.

Rachel laughed. "I guess she hasn't worked out the algorithm."

"The algorithm?" Someone asked.

"Yes. These stairs aren't as random as they seem. They are actually very regular, although some seem to be a little anomalous here and there. Maybe they do have a mind of their own... Anyway, the algorithm is that if a staircase is against the wall, the staircase directly above it is going to move to the path facing inwards, alternating on each layer, this happens every minute. If a staircase is on a centre square, it moves one to the right every minute, too. These staircases are very organised you know, you only see one move at the wrong time very occasionally. That's why you see them merge sometimes."

"Cool!" exclaimed Simon.

"Anywho, let's get going. Up the right hand stairs please!"

We filed up in silence, gaping at the stairs. I watched them moving gracefully it seemed so majestic that it couldn't possibly be running to a strict timeline, but the more I studied it, the clearer the algorithm became. As we climbed, I started to need Rachel's instructions on when the stairs would move less and less. By the time we'd reached the sixth floor, I understood it perfectly.

When we came off of the main stairway, and into a short corridor, she brought us together again. Everyone was panting heavily.

"You're going to get a lot of exercise climbing those stairs!" She hadn't even broken into a sweat.

"Yes, yes we are!" A first-year boy I didn't recognise said. He was a bit on the podgy side and he really looked worse for wear. He got out an inhaler and breathed deeply.

"What kind of magic does that box use, you can breathe again now?" asked Helen.

"Science." He replied coldly.

"Sounds interesting, you'll have to teach me about these sigh- ants. Maybe we'll learn about them in Care of Magical Creatures."

The boy gave her an odd look but decided not to reply.

"I'm sorry Andre," chuckled Rachel, "but there's more stairs."

"More?" The boy gasped, horror-stricken.

"Yes, I'm afraid so, don't worry though, they move so you don't have to."

"Thank God!"

We walked to the end of the corridor and sure enough there was a winding staircase with moving stairs, rather like an escalator.

"Hop on!"

Once we reached the top, we came out onto a wide open gangway to another tower. A soft autumn breeze was blowing and it was delightfully cool. As we walked along the gangway, I saw rain droplets in the air, but none were landing on me. In fact the gangway was bone dry but it was pouring heavily. An invisible curve arched over the gangway and I could see all the droplets on it.