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CHAPTER FOURTEEN → LOSING OUR MINDS
it's been a month since the funeral (and my outburst). even though boris has told me to stop, i've been having cocaine without him seeing. of course he's noticed, but i don't think he knows how to stop me unless he's with me 24/7. we argue about it- more often than i'd want. he's always yelling at me to stop and i'm always yelling that it's his fault i've even started.
xandra has told me about my aunt from canada. she wants to take me in, and 'help' me- whatever the fuck that's meant to mean. nobody can help me. i'm a lost soul. i actually kind of want to stay with xandra, but the authorities genuinely won't let me. she's a druggie, and isn't fit to be a mother. she can't even look after popper let alone me.
i visited charlie last week. he seems to be doing well. it's heartbreaking, because if i do leave, it's not like xandra will visit, and mom and dad are both dead- so he will have nobody. maybe boris will visit, hopefully. i've also been vomiting a lot. not sure why, but it's happening more often than it should be. also i've had a weird craving for pickles.
i am in my room, fiddling with my hair with one hand while i smoke with the other. boris is on the floor, rolling around laughing hysterically. he's drunk, like always.
"you see, doroha, this is why you cannot leave." boris giggles like a small child, crawling onto his knees.
i roll my eyes. "and why is that?"
he has his arms crossed under his chin on the edge of the bed, looking up at me. "i'll loose my mind."
i exhale smoke in his face. "you already did."
he swats the smokes away, making a face. "fuck off!" he sweeps his dark locks out of his face. "is why we are different."
"what's that supposed to mean?" i ask, barely understanding his slurred drunk talk.
boris crawls onto the bed to lay beside me- him on his stomach while i lay on my back, toying with my cigarette.
"i want to have fun, and you want to kill yourself." he muffles into the crumpled sheets.
i elbow his rib with a scoff. "oh, grow up boris!"
"hey, all i am saying is i still want to have fun while i can, you know?" he tells me, looking up at me with hooded eyelids.
i shake my head. "no."
his lips twitches at a grin, and he wraps his knuckles at my forehead softly. "what's got into you, hmm?"
