Today was the day I have been dreading. Today was mum's funeral. I had asked a few friends to come along, what little family I still had contact with and Benedict, but what was it. It was only going to be a small service and she was to be cremated as she wished to be. Only Benedict and I were allowed into the chapel of rest before the service. She was laying in a coffin with a white silk sheet over her, covering her completely. I pulled off the sheet as I wanted to see her for the last time. I had chosen the clothes I wanted her to wear, a pair of plain jeans and a plain purple top. She always wore it so I though it was only right that she should wear it now. She still wore her thin framed glasses and the gold chain necklace she had since she was 10. The small anklette my younger cousin made her years ago was still tied around her ankle. I looked to her face, the bruising and scars were still there. From the years of abuse, however the stress was gone. Her face was so calm, I remember when she looked like that. I was about 8, before dad died. Before she met HIM. she was so calm, so free. Our life was perfect. Now she is free again. I reached out and moved a strand of her hair away from her face, she would always get annoyed when I did that but I always used to do it anyway. My fingers cought her skin, it was so cold. I leant over the edge of the cofin and kissed the top of her head, agin the skin was as cold as ice. "Bye mum, I'll see you soon okay? Don't you wait up for me okay? I love you." Then I turned and walked away. Tears running down my face.
At the end of the service I was asked if I wanted to say a few words before she was to be cremated and I agreed. "My mum, was a great woman, she was strong, and everyone who knew her trusted and loved her. She would always say to me that she would gladly give her life to save mine, it turns out that she did. I never doubted that she would I just wished to myself that it would never happen. But she is free now, free of the pain, free of the suffering. She said at dad's funeral that one day we would all be together again. Now I know that somewhere they are together again now, watching over us all. Some say that the kindest people in the world are angels sent to guide us through life, I believe that my mum was one of those people I guess that those back in heaven decided that they could not be without one of their own, especially one like her, to be gone for that long, so they took her back. I know I now have a guardian angel looking over me. She will be my light guiding me through life. My mum had a journal that I was allowed to read and one quote always stuck in my head and that was *I also wish that my daughter is not dragged through life, but marches through it, with her head held high.* I am going to do her proud, and even if not physically she will always be stood by my side showing me the way to go. And I will say now what she said to my dad, one day we will be together again." I stepped down and sat back on the chair. Then before the end of the service Ben asked if he could say a few words.
"I never knew her but I do know Beth and from how she describes her mother she and her mother are exctremely alike. I wish I had known her but by leaving us she has left me an angel. So Louise, I promise you here and now, I will protect your little girl with my life. I will look after her like she was my own. But thank you for blessing my life with her." She came and sat back next to me, pulling me into a hug. As we watched the coffin dissappear behind the curtain I cried into Benedict's shoulder. I was given a small heart shaped ern with sk e of her ashes inside.
I couldn't face any people now, so before anyone else had chance to leave I got Benedict to drive me home. I spent the night in Benedict's arms, I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't speak for the rest of the night. I just slept, feeling completely numb and empty.
TBC xxxxxxxxxxxx
