Pain and tears

A Letter To The Boy I Never Had

I am not yet done with you 
but im trying my best to get over you.

To all the pain you've caused me
thank you for that , because with that pain
i became stronger.

To all the memories we once shared
i treasured them , funny to think that sometimes i found myself  smiling while remembering it.

For all the secrets you've shared
i'll keep them , i am so glad that you told me about it , it means a lot to me.

The love that you gave to me ,
i'll forever be grateful because i knew you loved me (did you really?HAHA)  but we failed to make it last , it was just ephemeral.

All the pain , the joys and the lessons will always be here (pointing my heart) , sometimes i lost myself thinking that  i really did loved you so much , that i'm willing to break the rules  just to be with you , that i'm willing to be a goddamn rebound just to feel your presence.

It's not bad to love someone that much , because that's all we can do If we really love them ,we want to make them feel wanted and appreciated , we do things that we didn't do before , we fought for them even though we know they wouldn't do the same way , we forced ourselves to them , just because we can't feel them at all. It's all because of love , we are imbecile for doing that but we can't realize that thing unless we're finally awake by the truth.

The truth that we did everything for them , but like a cliché line 'it isn't enough' and it will never be if that's the wrong person ,  we keep on loving them and sad to say we're losing ourselves too , we didn't even realize we're destroying inside , that we're hurting so much.

To the boy I never had ,
I still love you and trust me ,i am trying my best just to get you out of my head but i failed , i just wanted you to know that you'll always be my "APEM" , just a funny name i used to call you! and I'm so grateful that once in my life i've met someone like you, you are one of best and i know you'll find her someday (when the time is right)  , I know soon enough you'll be happy and you'll appreciate things around you , you are a great one , a tough one , once my number one. :(

Thank you for everything!  this will be the last one that i'm writing about you , no more grudges about you , i made a mistake too , we both did.  Maybe i was just angry cause i figured out you never loved me , or whatsoever. But nah! life goes on ,  you were a chapter in my book that is finally over , i can't go back in time but i can remember it clearly everytime , and now i am in another chapter of my life with another characters , in this chapter i am cutting you off , but not forgetting you. i love you still i always will , but this needs to change.

'You were once my happy pill
my angel in disguise
my sunshine.

You were once my everything
a mistake i'm willing to do again
a pain that my heart can endure
until it feels nothing.

but things change
timing wasn't there to support us.

maybe that love wasn't meant for us ,
maybe i'll just be happy for you
even if that happiness doesn't include me no more. '

// the art of letting go.
july  07 , 2018
10:16 p.m

A/n :  sorry about this chap. i really need to let this pain  out of my system , i hope you'll understand! :)