In My Feelings

How it all started

Hey, I'm Esther and I am going to be taking you though my life experiences and how I came to be who I am today and how to fight depression. Of course I started out as a very happy girl but soon I realized life wasn't all rainbows and my challenges soon got the best of me. I will start at the basics, I am 17 and I suffer from depression. I'm also suicidal. People don't understand that depression is a big thing, because when you face it you are sad all the time and it's not like anyone chooses to be depressed its just the actions and things that are said that makes a person hurt inside. Just to say, make sure you think before you speak. I doubt you want to be remembered by all the mean things you have done, all I ask is for you to give someone a compliment everyday and I know that it will make someones day. Anyway, I'm getting off topic. My story starts in fourth grade. That's when everyone in my class was falling apart and I didn't exactly make friends very easy so I was alone and I had to face everything on my own which was hard. If you imagine that you are in a dark room, blank and just a forever void that goes on into nothingness. You are there sitting on a perfectly white victorian chair. No one is there. Just you and your mind. You wonder off and think that everyone maybe left because of you.. You think maybe you are alone because you did something wrong and you begin to lose hope in yourself. Hope to ever be happy again. Hope to be loved again. Hope that things will ever be the same. You crave the feeling to be happy but you know it's not possible. Just an endless void of emptiness inside of you. Something you feel like you can never replace. At some point you leave that area, sick and tired of thinking like that even if it's true. The rude comments people say to you never help either. They crush the little self esteem you have left. You still stay alive because you have now imagined and thought what would maybe your family think if you died? Would they cry? Would it hurt them? Then you remember that you can continue on life just knowing that at least 2 people care about you. You may not have that many people who care about you but if you care about them then you would stay from them no matter how sad it makes you to stay. Because you love them and if you leave you know that they might be sad so you can never leave them. Even if people dislike you it doesn't mean they hate you, hate is a very strong word and I'm positive that no one absolutely hates you. I can tell you that filling your head with thoughts that aren't very happy thoughts or listening to sad songs isn't helpful for you to feel better. In order to feel a bit better you have to start to get your mind of the bad things, the things that caused your depression. Sometimes you just need to step away from everything for a while like I do. I always take breaks from my friends or just take breaks from talking for a while. You just need to think clearly. Again, I am Esther and I will be helping you learn about depression and how it started and how it is now.