In My Feelings

What Have I done..?

I may have just done the worst thing in my life. I may have ruined a relationship or two.. with a single problem. I've been having mixed emotions and I have no clue how to feel.. I don't know what to do. It's like Im deep in the ground, somewhere cold, and I can't get out. Im stuck there for eternity. No one to save me, no one who can talk to me. Just darkness and me. We always seemed to be friends, me and darkness... or maybe enemys.. who can really tell right now..? Everything couldn't possibly get worse. I messed up me and the love of my life (tyler) relationship.. Potentially I ruined everything and now I feel like theres a cold dark weight on my heart that no one can lift. Something that I will always carry around. Something that will weigh me down forever. It's not something I can change or fix. It's just there. I feel like as if I were here.. in my mind.. dark, cold, and a never-ending void. It's like I put myself to this. I caused it all. Those thoughts make me feel sick and cold. I fear myself and I wonder if I try to speak if I will hurt someone else. No one can help me out, and I can't help myself. Yet I desire to do what's best when I know that It's not possible. Being me It's certintly impossible. The people I hurt, the things i say, my own actions towards myself.. It's not healthy for my mind and my body. Hurting constantly mentally and phisically. There's nothing I can do, nothing in sight. Just me, and the darkness. Reality really hits you and when it does it can either never stop or at somepoint it wil get better. But for me, reality never stops. It continues to attack, and knock me down. Some nights it's so bad I might end up shedding blood or taking emergency trips to the hospital.. Why you might ask..? Because yes, I do self harm. It doesn't help at all. Because it does hurt the people around you and then you end up feeling worse and you do it again. It never stops one you start, one cut leads to two, then three, and so on and so on. I don't know how to stop hurting myself or others.. But ig I will have to continue onto the next chapter to find out..