A Contemplation of Short Stories

Im not ready but I'm trying.

If I knew where to stop I would've started by now. I'd have made a plan and got it done. A beginning, a middle, and an end. But somehow I'm stuck in the middle, moving towards an ending that I can't see, having started something unknowingly.

And whatever it is, I know it starts with you. Not that I could pin point when or where, but I know that it was you. The way you made me feel, the way you make me feel.

I don't start...things, I don't start anything without a plan. I don't go into anything halfway, with only pieces or a general idea of what to do. I go in 100%, all the way, ready for anything that could possibly come my way.

I wasn't ready for you. I wasn't ready at all. You came barging into my life but I figured you barge your way back out of it. I mean, I still began to plan as soon as you came but you were supposed to leave. But you didn't.

A few times I thought you would. You kind of ran in circles, not really in my life, but floating around, waiting to be in it. And I'll admit, that it scared me. That maybe one day you wouldn't come back. That what I hoped initially would happen, leaving a while where you left.

But your here. Still. Here with all my awkwardness that pushed you out but somehow always managed to bring you back in. The fact that you always came back, whether or not you realized that you had even left. Falling in and out of liking me and being interested in me. Eventually over the years, I figured you'd get over me. I wasn't all that interesting or cool or even that pretty.

But your here. Maybe not n XD yo me right now, but your here. And I don't know where this is going to end. And I'll never know unless I follow it. I'm still scared to death, why wouldn't I be? I mean, I've watched people bend until they broke, I've helped them pick up the remains and got cut in the process.

I'm scared to hurt, to be hurt, to hurt you, and to hurt others. It's like walking around in the dark, guiding the people you love most. You try your best to take them with you in the safe paths in your life but without realizing it, you lead them through fields of thorns, across torrential rivers, and down treacherous cliffs.

And I hate that they hurt, because of me, or even if they just do. Watching some else's pain make me hurt, like, actually hurt. So it'd be just that more pain if I hurt you. If I had to watch your face crumble because of something I did, or hear your voice crack because of something I said. I wouldn't be able to bear it. I like you too much.

I want to try and find the ending of this, this thing with you. Even if it feels like I'm stuck in the middle of it forever. Even if I have to make chapters because it gets to long to be short. Even if it's to short to be long. I want to try, try to go into something without 100% of a plan. I'll plan as I can along the way but there are no promises that I can make to you or even to myself.

I can't promise that you won't hate me. I can't promise that I won't hate you. I can't promise happily ever after it any kind of immediate happy ending. But as long as you value me, and as I value you, I'll try. I'll try for you, for me, and for anyone involved.

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