exsistential wanderings of my mind

Death

I think about what's after death a lot.  Whether we explore another realm or disappear completely.  Nobody knows, and I think that's why so many of us are afraid of it.  The uncontrollability, the uncertainty of it all.  If we knew, we'd be less afraid.  I mean, some of us would be less afraid.  There will always be people who are terrified of death no matter what.  It's an unstoppable force that happens to everyone, so of course people will be scared.

Me, I like to think I'm not, but I know that I'll still turn into a shriveling, crying mess of a human when faced with my own demise, even if dying is the path I choose.  That's just me.  

What reassures me most of the time is that technically, after you've been dead for multiple hours, your body will most definitely not be producing brainwaves anymore.  Whether you've passed to a "better place" is still up for question, but scientifically, your brain and  your body should be dead.  So technically, you cannot be seeing things or going to other places. (In this day's science.)

What really scares me is the idea that our souls are eternal or that reincarnation exists.  I don't want to live another life.  Even if I get to start from scratch, in a new body, with no memories.  That's too much for me.  Say reincarnation exists.  Will that mean you'll just be reincarnated on Earth?  Does it have age restrictions?  Space restrictions?  Any restrictions?  Or can you just be reincarnated as a microbe and live the rest of your life in peace without a brain?  I guess that would be okay, but what if you were reincarnated as the next deadliest disease or something equally devastating?  I'd rather die once, and have that be it.  What I'm trying to say here is that it doesn't scare me as much to die, but what comes after that.  Being stuck in a loop of lives seems like hell.  Especially if you carry your mental ailments with you.  Then you'd really be stuck, even if you wouldn't realize it because you don't remember your past lives.

But on the other hand, what if when you die, those synapses fire one last time and that millisecond feels like forever?  Being trapped in an endless loop of dying must be just as terrible as being trapped in an endless loop of living.  Eternity in general seems like hell, really, because after a while you'd either be the master of everything and have nothing left to do or be stuck in the same painful cycle of torture.

* * *

On the other hand, when someone close to you, it feels like your lungs have been removed, and you're floating in jello.  At least, for me that is.  Whether I hear the news secondhand, or directly from the person who has died, I float for a second, and then come crashing down.  I cry so much for so many things, it's a wonder, really, that I haven't run out of tears yet. 

When someone I put in my heart dies, I feel out of control, because I know that one day, nothing I know will be left.  My family, my friends, language as we know it, this planet, this universe, this life will be gone and there's nothing anybody can do to stop it.  So we hang tightly to the things that bring us joy and put these thoughts deep into the back of our minds and continue our lives.

***

I wonder what death feels like.  Of course it must hurt in the moment, but after that? Is it pure emotion, nothing, or excruciating pain?  Can you rate it on a scale from 1-10?  Probably not.  That's too simple, and I feel like there would be so much more than just pain.  Sadness maybe, for leaving your loved ones.  Guilt if you chose to die, maybe even regret.  And relief.   

***

There's always the question brought up when talking about death- how would you choose to die?  I, myself, have always felt like a painless ending would be best, but as I dwell on the subject more, some pain is alright.  I mean, it's the last thing you're gonna feel, right?  So might as well have a little pain while you still can.  Not tortuous, drawn out, excruciating pain, but a good amount.  I feel like I'm just trailing on here.  A quick death would be preferable, but having a set death date would give you time to help prepare your friends and family for your departure.

***

Finally, I think about life and time sort of like a train.  You can step off at almost any time, killing yourself, or wait until you are pushed out.  But there are no stops on this train, and you can't see what's ahead of you.  Kind of a crappy simile now that I think about it, but who cares.  No one knows what lies after death.