exsistential wanderings of my mind

Depression

Depression is weird.  It's like a cold blanket being tossed on you that never warms up, no matter how much body heat you produce.  It's an old, wet towel being held to your mouth and nose.  And it sucks so, so much.

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The dictionary definition of depression is "feelings of severe despondency and dejection," and both despondency and dejection are essentially described as low spirits.  Clinical depression however has no set definition in the dictionary and is described as "the more-severe form of depression, also known as major depression or major depressive disorder. It isn't the same as depression caused by a loss, such as the death of a loved one, or a medical condition."  Neither of these definitions seem quite right to me.  It could sometimes just be low spirits, but sometimes it's like someone is pushing you down, making you stay in bed, making you avoid social interaction, and that person's you.  It's extremely frustrating, because there's nothing to be sad about, but yet you are.  It's just like you're just fucking yourself over.  At least it is for me.  I also get really mad at myself, because I feel like I shouldn't be feeling this way.  

Being sad is different, at least for me.  It seems more valid than depression, even though I know they are both equally valid.  Sadness usually comes with a reason, so when someone asks you why you're sad, you can tell them.  Depression however, isn't really like that.  I don't know why I'm depressed, and if I had a reason I would gladly share it with you, because then I would feel valid in my sadness.  But I know just as much as you.  Most people keep asking and asking why you're sad, and you want to give them an answer, but you don't know.  It feels like you're letting them down as well, because they either feel like you don't trust them enough to tell them, or you're being elusive, but in reality, you don't fucking know.

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Another thing that is strange is that when others feel this way, or a friend is sad or depressed, I automatically comfort them, try to make them feel better, validate what they're feeling, because IT IS valid, and they're amazing, and if they feel this way, it's okay, but the minute I start feeling that way, I tell myself all the opposite things.  Stuff like "you stupid bitch it's not a big deal get over it already,"  "you're a huge burden to everyone around you," etc, etc.  I certainly don't want to be saying this to myself, or anyone else in that case, but sometimes can't control it, or I feel like I deserve it.

I was admitted to the hospital for mental health reasons, and I had a small room and bed.  (I had to stay overnight, because they couldn't transfer me right away).  But I just kept thinking that my problems are so insignificant and stupid, and that the hospital should have just let me go, and put someone who had a physical injury or a "real injury" in my place.  The thing is, if it was someone else in my position, I would do my best to have them stay where they were safe, in the hospital, and help them see that a mental injury is the same amount of importance as a physical injury.  Why I can't do this for myself, I don't know.

Author's Note:

Feel free to add your experiences with any of the topics discussed in the comments.