Nef,
So this is me, really, really me. This is so dumb. Can I just call you or something? I haven't written a letter in forever.
But it's four fifty eight in the morning and I haven't slept. You've always had that effect on me, you know. I could never sleep knowing I could just love you anytime. I feel like it's only fair if I explained it to you. All of this. This is all pretty fucked up, honestly.
I'm not going to say sorry because I know if I did you'd chop my dick off so I'm not going there. I just- I sort of wanted to make things better for you, Nef. You wanted a boy, someone, who could protect you. Who could be there for you whenever you needed them. Who could love you when you needed it.
I wasn't there and I wasn't going to be for a while.
I knew you wouldn't have came along on tour because of the anxiety. You're strong, yes, but just not for that. I didn't want to force you to go or cause your mental state to get worse. And I definitely didn't want to go through the pain of knowing you needed me and I wasn't there. I know you're mad right now because I fucking left you. We could've worked something out. We were Michael and Nefelibata. Nefilibata and Michael and whatever the hell else you did in the other letter.
I loved you, I did. No bullshit. I would've fucking done anything for you. I would've carved it into my skin, honestly (but I know you would punch me in the face if I ever did I mean that's too intense) I loved you that fucking much but I just couldn't do it. You're too good for me and I just couldn't do that. You deserve the best and you are the best and I'm not. I couldn't do what you wanted me to do.
I lost all fucking hope for myself after I left you and I'm not even with Sam. She just wanted to get back at you for some shit and she thought it was funny. The boys didn't want her on tour, especially Ashton. He hates it when she comes over.
I miss you a lot. I would start this all over but you made it clear how much you want to end my entire existence.
I miss your tangled hair and your cute little nose and your flawless eyebrows and your gorgeous eyes and your pale neck and your soft cheeks and your plump lips and your elf ears and your annoying yet amazing adrenaline and how your torso fits perfectly on mine and the way you sleep and having your constant nags in the morning and waking up to you and going to sleep with you and making breakfast and showering and the way you draw penises on my back and giggle that fucking cute giggle of yours and I miss you and your vanilla scented perfume and your tropical deoderant and your feet dangling off the bed when you sleep and your small feet and your weird knees and when you play Minecraft and yell at the mobs as if they were there and when you'd yell "I'll get it" when someone tries to call or knock and I miss you.
I do.
-Michael, for real this time. xoxo
