SHESATINTHECHAIR, anxiety heavy on her heart as she fiddled with her fingers waiting for her name to be called.
She was finally here. Finally doing it.
And somehow she felt calm yet antsy simultaneously.
She had finally made the call after many years of what ifs? and denial. She remembered how she couldn't breathe as she made the call, it was like her lungs had been closed up.
"Miss Ayomide Obakoya please got to Room 3C," the receptionist called out.
She looked up as she heard her name and let out a shaky breath as she slowly got up. She could feel the burning stares on her back as she began to walk.
You can do this.
She could feel her breathing become less and less as she took each step.
Room 1D, Room 3A, Room 3B, Room 3C
She paused as she placed her hand on the door to open it.
It's okay, everything is going to be okay now.
She opened the door to see a woman sitting there and nervously sat down. Her heart was beating frantically and she tried to keep her uneven breathing not noticeable.
The woman gave her a warm smile, "Hello, I'm Dr Anderson. What could I do to help you?"
Help? At that thought, Ayo immediately looked down at her hands and fiddled with her fingers. She felt as if there was no air and her throat was clogged.
"I... I need," Ayo struggled to speak, as her heart beat erratically.
She took a deep breath closing her eyes. It's okay Ayo, just speak.
"I need to take depression and anxiety test," she said quickly.
"Oh?" Dr Anderson looked up at from her computer. Ayo heard a small okay and loud typing, she refused to look up, if she did she would break.
"Just so you know, it's a normal thing for a teenager to feel stressed," Ayo felt judged by her words.
What if I'm just faking it to myself? Lying to myself? She felt her tears sting her eyes, and she closed her eyes trying best not to cry and focus on the loud typing.
Dr Anderson smiled at her, "How often have you been bothered by feeling down, depressed or hopeless?"
"Most of the time," Ayo breathed out.
The loud typing fueled her doubts. What if she doesn't believe me?
"How often have you had little interest or pleasure in doing things?"
"Nearly every day."
The typing got louder and faster. Am I lying to myself?
"How often have you been bothered by trouble falling or staying asleep, or sleeping too much?"
"I struggle to sleep every day, I feel really restless at night."
At this point, Ayo hated the typing and felt like it was judging her, telling her she's lying to herself.
"How often have you been bothered by feeling tired or having little energy?"
"Nearly every day."
You're lying to your f*cking self, you want to be depressed, you want the f*cking attention. You stupid b*tch.
Ayo was used to feeling numb. But this type of numb feeling felt like she was just breathing. A waste of space.
"Have you ever had a panic attack?"
Ayo stopped her fidgeting, "Yes."
"Why was that?"
"Stress," Ayo choked out.
Last year, Ayo was so stressed out by her exams. She had a mental breakdown in front of her mum. She felt like she was going to fail and ruin the rest of her life.
"Since when have you been feeling like this?"
"A few years."
She could date back to the age of 5.
Dr Anderson stopped her typing to look at her in shock.
"Have you ever felt suicidal?"
Ayo knew after every fight with her mum she wanted to kill herself. But she would never do it, no she couldn't.
"Yes, but I'd never do it because I'm a Christian."
I don't want to go to hell. Isn't it part of the Ten Commandments that you shouldn't kill. Besides, I haven't even fulfilled my purpose, I haven't helped anyone.
"Usually severe depression is caused by a traumatic event that has taken place. Is there anything you want to tell me?"
Don't tell her. You can't tell her. Ayo was ready to take it to the grave.
"No," she lied.
"Oh," Dr Anderson said confused. Her eyebrows furrowed as she typed.
"It's clear you have severe depression. Usually, I would give a case like this some antidepressants but you're too young. You're 16 right?"
Ayo nodded numbly.
"I suggest you go counselling, maybe at your school?" Dr Anderson smiled at her.
Her smile didn't matter to Ayo because it felt like bitter poison. She didn't want anyone to know not her school, not her friends and especially not her family.
She didn't want to talk to someone, she was never going to do that. Not ever.
" I suggest you go here-" Ayo zoned out as Dr Anderson droned on.
"Are you okay with the help I am giving you or do you want more?"
Ayo paused, "Yes," she lied.
"Okay now-"
Ayo cut her off in a frantic mess as she panicked, "Don't tell my family, I don't want them to know. Please."
Dr Anderson furrowed her eyebrows in confusion," Okay, we'll send the letter whether you've been accepted into therapy by the board in your name."
Ayo relaxed, relieving the tension in her body. She didn't want anyone to know that's why she waited until she was 16, so the doctor legally couldn't tell her family without her permission.
"You may go now, the board will call you next week."
Ayomide couldn't help as she was leaving feel a little disappointed.
