WHENIWASYOUNGER I used to sit on the swings and watch all the other kids play. I used to wonder, "how would the world be if I wasn't in it?" I used to imagine a world where I never existed. I used to imagine my best friends playing without me, my mum only taking my brother to school and an empty chair in the classroom where I was supposed to sit. I imagined a world where I looked down at omnisciently instead of from the eyes of a girl called Ayomide.
Nothing changed since I grew older but instead of imagining a world where I never existed, I pictured a world where I had died in my childhood. I drew a picture in my mind, a bleak and stark one that resembled a hurricane.
Maybe it's because I selfishly wanted to feel needed for once or maybe because I felt like my time in this world had long expired.
My mum used to tell I was selfish a lot so I tried my hardest not to be. I forced myself into an altruistic lifestyle, not wanting to ever upset somebody, annoy anyone or ever try to make someone feel bad. I had friends, a lot of friends but I still felt like I had none. Loneliness had always been a long time haunting emotion.
I groaned as I rubbed my eyes. "It's not right," I moaned, scribbling rigorously over the drawing. I tried to create picture I imagined but my efforts were fruitless.
I scrunched and threw away another futile attempt, "this just isn't going right," I moaned resting my head on the table. I stared at the clock, the loud ticking resonating in my head, closing my eyes to rest.
The bleak and stark picture I drew in my mind as a child refused to come alive.
My breathe tickled my arms, I gazed blankly at an anime figurine on my desk. I felt numb again. I forgot how to feel once again.
The loud ring of a phone disrupted my chimerical peace. I walked over to my phone on my bed, my faint steps lost under the din. A phone call from Taiwo?
"Hello?"
"Ayo, what are you doing right now?," Taiwo giggled.
A familiar voice screamed, "Ayo come join us, you're always busy."
Is that Faith? I thought bitterly. Oh so they're together without me again. I sighed and told the usual lie, "I'm busy right now, so I can't join you guys."
I used to naively think that maybe if I wasn't with them all the time, they'd start to see my importance more. I thought they would show they cared out me. But I still stayed a forgettable side character in their world while they were each others main character. How stupid of me.
"Oh okay, bye then." The phone cut.
"Ayomide, you're being delusional again," I said to myself, jumping onto the bed I gazed lazily at the ceiling.
"Ayomide, I promise no one gives a f*ck about you," I whispered to myself, blinking back tears.
To me, my mind was like poison, full of bitterness. It feasted on it like a parasite fuelled by fear and trepidation.
"It's happening again," I whispered as my throat tightened. I felt my pillow dampen and realised the tears had been escaping from my eyes. My vision blurred as I struggled to breathe. My chest tightened while deep emotions stirred voiced through my long-lasting sobs. I guess I just wanted someone to care but even that I'm not sure of. Maybe I wanted a hug but that too I'm not sure of. I guess I just wanted to feel important to people instead of feeling like mob character to everyone. But I've already accepted that the fact I will never be I will always be on the backburner of everyone's lives.
No one cared, but I used to desperately wish they did.
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A/N I kind of don't like the way I write I feel like I'm confusing myself now. Sorry this is quite short 😭
