After the encounter with Taeyeon, I went home.
Everything was in slow motion but fast and I don't know what's going on around me.
I feel numb but I feel so much hurt at the same time.
I feel empty but there's a lot of things on my mind.
I feel hopeless and my emotions overwhelmed me.
I feel broken as the direction of my life shattered into pieces. I'm lost, again.
Taeyeon gave me different emotions.
She gave me satisfaction.
She made me feel special.
She made me happy.
She made me feel loved.
But she also hurt me. A lot.
She took away all the positive emotions and left me with a scar. Scar that will never be erased. Scar which makes my life change. The scar will change me, my perspective.
What's wrong with me? I asked again and again.
What's wrong being a lesbian? Well I don't label myself but that's what they call me.
I can't change it. It's what my heart says. It's what my heart wants. It's what my heart feels.
Why would I change for a person that's not me? This is me. Why do I need to suffer like this?
I wish to be normal like a girl who's into guys. I never wish to be like this!
It's like a curse that normal people will avoid. It's a sin for them.
If I could, I would try to be normal but it's my heart. I can't control it.
Taeyeon changed like that, she's like playing with me. Before she wanted to try then suddenly, she changed her mind. I can't blame her if she's not into me but calling me a dyke? It's too much to bear.
I feel like I have a virus that will infect her and she said that something's wrong with me because what I'm doing is wrong.
No. It's not wrong that I love her. Even if she hurt me, I still love her. It's never wrong that I love her, she's worthy of it. I don't regret it, I never thought of that.
I know, I'm so dumb to be smitten by her but it happened.
I thought alcohol will make me forget her but it's the opposite and it made me feel the pain triple times. I'm such a loser.
I want to be drowned so I kept drinking alone, I don't know how many bottles of alcohol and beers were on the floor. It's not enough to end my distress.
I just want to disappear and end this misery.
Then I heard someone but it wasn't clear, I turned around and saw a blurred image of a girl.
"Tiffany, what are you doing?" My head was spinning around and I felt someone held my arm.
"Why are you drinking alone? Tiffany! Shit! You're already drunk!" Oh, it's my sister Seolhyun. She sat beside me and caressed my back. "What happened?"
I'm tipsy but I'm not drunk.
"T-Taeyeon... she... she dumped me..." Just saying her name made me cry like a baby.
Seolhyun hugged me and shushed me "I thought you two are in good terms. She's your girlfriend right? What the heck happened?"
"I don't know Arhi, she just want me out of her life. She said that she's not into girls and she's not a dyke like me... Why? I can't be mad at her. I really love her Arhi," I explained while I held her like it's for my dear life.
Seolhyun shushed me "It's okay, everything will be fine sweetheart. Maybe you should talk to her and clarify things with her?" She suggested.
I shook my head, I don't have the courage to face her "No, I-I can't... I can't face her anymore Arhi." After what I did, I just want to stay away from her. I'm just as culpable when I made Taeyeon talked because I forced her. I scared the shit of her. I feel so bad.
"But why?"
"All things are clear between us. She wants me to stay away from her," I clarified.
"Okay... well... if you want to move on... then let's go back to America?" Seolhyun suddenly said.
I stopped crying and faced her. Do I want to go back there? Can I stand being away from Taeyeon? But she wants me away.
"It's the best way if you want to move on, and if she wants you to stay away give what she wants. Maybe you two needs time," Seolhyun advised.
I gulped.
Seolhyun's right. It's the only thing I can give it to her. Time.
"Okay..."
"Good, I will schedule your flight tomorrow in the afternoon. You will go with me, kay?" I nodded.
"And go to your school to inform them that you're leaving, they will allow you just inform them. I promise, I'm on it," Seolhyun assured me as she caressed my cheek.
I weakly smiled at her, it's the best way for us.
"I'm sorry if you have to feel this way baby sis. I'm always here for you," Seolhyun kissed my forehead then hugged me.
I'm leaving.
This is the right thing to do, the best way to escape from my guilt.
*****
