Can I Still Get Into Heaven If I Kill Myself

Chapter 2

We woke up the next day facing each other, our legs were intwined, my head placed against his chest and his hands keeping me secure and safe.

I looked at the time, 11 am, I figured I had to go home, I don't know what will happen but I know I can't just hide.

I didn't want to wake Alex, but I was getting annoyed by his snoring, so I held his nose waiting for him to realise he needed to breathe since his mouth was closed. He coughed and swatted my hand away, 'Omg what are you doing?' He said as he tried to gain back the air in his lungs.

'I have to leave sorry, I didn't want to wake you but I wanted to say goodbye,' I said as I untangled myself from him.

He lifted himself up onto his arm, still wearing what he wore last night, he took his jumper off, his shirt underneath lifting with the jumper revealing his perfectly chiseled body, I couldn't help but stare. He pulled his shirt down as he threw his jumper onto the floor, 'is the view good?' He asked as his brazen smile spread across his face.

I apologised, as my voice trembled from embarrassment, I then left without saying goodbye, I wasn't sure how to act in a loving way since no one has ever 'loved' me before.

I reached the front door of my house but paused before opening the door, what will I do, do I have to stay here? What's the point of being here if no one wants me here, I made up my mind, I had to leave.

I walked in the door, Sam was standing in the kitchen, he turned towards me, his eyes locked on and they wouldn't pry away. He dragged his feet towards me with a glare in his eyes that I'd never seen in him before, I was scared of my own brother, he moved faster but I ran up to my room before he reached me. I closed my door and locked it, I pressed my back against it, seconds later I heard his feet patter loud like a heard of elephants, then a pounding on my door, he was angry but I never knew he'd hurt me, I've ruined everything in my life and everyone else's.

My back slid down the door as the pounding echoed through my head, to my hands, all I could do was sit there and shake. I don't know how long it lasted, but I'm glad it stopped, I heard the front door slam shut and the sound of his car speeding down the road. I knew I didn't have much time, he'd be back soon and probably drunk, meaning he might actually kill me, not saying that's a bad thing, just that if he doesn't I'll just be in more pain and I'd rather not. I grabbed my bag out from beneath my bed and threw everything I needed into it.

Before I left the house I remembered my phone, I grabbed my charger and picked my phone off the windowsill where I left it after talking to Alex.

I unlocked it and the first thing I saw was Rose's smile on my lock screen, a tear scrapped it's way down my cheek, a guilt tear made of acid leaving an invisible scar that only I know is there along with every other emotional scar.

She left a message, I couldn't believe it, I opened it, 'Can we talk please, I need to tell you something... I love you, I will always love you.' It was sent at 2am, I knew it wasn't good, she was awake all night, what have I done to her.

I put my phone into my back pocket, threw my bag on my back and ran out the door,

I'm glad I got my memory back, or I'd get lost trying to figure out where Rosé lives, but the way to her house is embedded in my head.

I ran, I didn't stop, I can't stop running, no matter how much my lungs burn, or how my legs feel like they're about to break, I need to keep running.

Right before I turned the corner to Rose's house a thought raced through my head, what just happened? I have no one in my family, I understand that, I lost Rosé but I'm working on getting her back, she's what I need to live and then there's Alex, why, why now, I don't even know what I see in him, yeah sure he's good looking and has a great body, but he's the most self-centred, pretentious asshole I've ever met and he's made my entire life a living hell, but Rosé. Rose.

I texted Alex and told him, in the calmest and nicest manner I can, that I wasn't thinking straight last night and I can't be his girlfriend, I have too much going on right now and he'll just get in the way. I left it at that and kept running.

I reach her house, I ran up to her door and rang the door bell, I wiped my forehead with the back of my hand and realise I still have the blood stained bandages wrapped around my wrists. I stare at them, they were cleaner yesterday, I guess the running made it worse, I quickly grabbed my jumper out of my bag and chucked it on, regardless of the sweat consuming my aching body. Rose's mother opened the door, I just glared at her with a frightened look spread clearly across my face, she gave me a smile crowded by a strong look of repulsion and sympathy all in one, I was stunned. 'Hello Hayley, would you like to come in? Rosé is in her room,' she asked knowing I was speechless, I just nodded and walked into Rosé's room trying not to making any loud noises.

She was lying on her bed staring at the ceiling with her headphones in, volume up all the way, I could hear the beat of the song she's listening to but I couldn't make out the words. I walked over to the side of her bed and put my bag on her bed, hoping that the sudden movement will wake her up from her daze, gladly it does. She sits up and takes out her head phones, 'Is that Taylor Swift or 1D, come on you can tell me I don't judge,' I joked trying to break the awkward atmosphere that seemed to follow me everywhere now, but my stiff laugh seemed to cause the atmosphere to become heavier with ever second she didn't look at me.

I couldn't stand it any longer, I sat next to her on the bed and grabbed her hand, this time she didn't pull away, but I knew why, she had no energy to fight me anymore, her grey drained eyes and black rings, her limp posture and her grip on my hand was weak, this all displayed it perfectly.

'Rose, what did you want to tell me?' I croaked as every words seems to scratch at my throat.

She looked right at me and with ever ounce of strength she had left she pleaded, 'Please don't leave me, I can't do this without you, I don't want to live in a world without you, I can't live in a world without you. I am in love with you.'

She grunted and then rolled over, her hand slid from mine and I could feel her shake as she began to cry, her back was facing towards me, but I knew she was crying. I laid down next to her and slipped my arms around her, embracing her, assuring her that I'm here, I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere. I moved my head up next to her ear and whispered, 'you're all I have, you're all I need and I can't tell you how thankful I am to have you in my life. I'm in love with you too.'

I could feel all her tensed muscles relax, she stopped shaking and murmured, 'thank you,' then kissed my hand and placed her head on her pillow.

I kissed her neck, she then turned over and placed her head on my chest and noted, 'you're the perfect hight you know, when I hug you I can hear your heart beat, your heart beat assures me I'm safe, but I was so scared Hayley, your heart beat stopped, I didn't want to be here if you weren't here...'

'You can't do that to yourself because of me,' I interrupted her hoping she'd stop talking.

She didnt.

'Yes I can, because you are the only thing I live for,' she was starting to shout, she lifted her head, 'You really don't get how much you mean to me do you Hayley?! All those year of you saying no one loved you, everyone hates you, that no one would care if you're gone?! Well I loved you, I still love you and will always love you, and I would care if you left! I would care!!' She was panting as tears escaped her eyes.

Her hands we shaking and she was staring at the wall, I grabbed her left hand and pulled her into my embrace again, holding her tighter, never wanting to let her go, 'you are my world Rosé, my sun, my moon, the seas, the land. I never meant to hurt you, I was blinded by my own self pity that I forgot that leaving this troubled and destroyed world, that I'd be leaving the most important thing in my life behind, but I know now,' my heart was beating fast and hard, and my face was going bright red, 'I was scared to admit it before, but I finally can, you were the only thing I remembered when I lost my memory, you're the only thing I wanted to remember. I am in love with you Rose, and I'm here, I'm not leaving you.'

She let out a sigh of relief as I loosened my grip and we fell asleep together, intwined in each other grasp, with her head cradled beneath my chin.