Maybe Tomorrow

Chapter 4 - I shouldn't have Gotten this Morning

Man oh man I slept like a rock. I woke up feeling great....

 And then it all come back to me. God dammit. Well I decided not to go to school that day because things would surely be fucked up and I didn't have the mental capacity to deal with it anymore. Everyone in my life that was important to me in some way was poof magically gone from existence. I roll out from my mattress and decide to go downstairs and sit in front of the TV. Now of course I wasn't going to watch the thing because who really cared what celebrity showed off their pussy today, or who got shot, or what some crazy asshole decided to do. None of it mattered. Well of course today it was mostly about how the actions of our new "president" was affecting the country as a whole. It actually kind of funny seeing two men sit on a broadcast show with no women in between, makes for an awkward situation, a bit like Family Guy... only they aren't gay. It almost put a smile on my face, but the emotions I had that day were overwhelming. The only other time I had felt this horrible was when I was with my family. I don't really talk about them much. No need to in my opinion. I was just a prop that they used to show around and when I wasn't the sparkling and shining example I was supposed to be, they beat me like a chained up circus animal. I was never good enough to be quite honest. I was always the screw-up in the family and they would let me know.... alot. I did have a younger brother and sister, but I never really had much contact with them. My parents feared I would corrupt them and turn into actual living breathing individuals than slaves to the prospects of society. The only things that really kept me company was the darkness around me, as emo and ridiculous as that may sound. It was always there, when I cried or was fearful it was always there around me. As I grew older I could feel it wrap around like a cloak to shield me from the abuse and the constant destruction of my sanity. I learned to live with it. I also understood that the temper I had was one that was not only fierce, but excruciatingly powerful. It literally was a weapon of mass destruction and trust me I've seen the damage that it can cause. I straight up ruined some people's lives. I never hit or touched anyone physically, I didn't have the body complex for that, I went after their minds, their souls, their emotions. Now you wouldn't think that this is a powerful mechanism, but oh boy you couldn't even be more wrong. A person is built upon their beliefs, what they have been taught and experienced. The easiest way to upset them is to go after those basic facts to make them question themselves thus destroying the very fabric of what they knew and could possibly learn. You break their spirit and mind, then leave them because they are as good as dead at that point. There is no need to hit them or physically wound them because you taken their very being away from them at that point. It is an interesting phenomenon, of course I don't do that anymore because the toll it takes on yourself as a person isn't worth it. I figured out that the darkness that I considered my friend was just a temptation to lead down a path of no return. I renounced it and made an attempt to flip over a new leaf. I say attempt because everyday is a constant battle to fight against it, to not fall back in time to the way I was. Thinking about it now it would be so easy to revert. The me now just absorbs the pain and sufferings of those I care about because I understand what it meant to be at rock bottom. To be absorbed by the ocean of feelings and being drowned by it and feel like there is no escape from it. It took a lot to crawl up from this pits, many actions to get left me with scars that I can never get rid of, but only act as a reminder of the pain. It is a tough road and for a long time I traveled along it by myself. It was hard like I said. It was just me while I fought against myself and all the emotions of anger, depression, self-loathing, and pain. I met Sam and she helped me, but again it was and is a constant battle. My ex helped to and for the first time in a long time I thought I had found love, or what I had assumed to be love. She was my hurt like me, although I never truly explained to her the animal that was inside me, but I saw what was inside her. I was always told it was a fool who loved with his heart and not his mind/ How can that be though as the mind cannot possibly understand how the heart itself thinks or hot it feels. The mind may help the heart work, but in all reality the heart itself has a mind of its own. Anyway I saw something special inside her and fell in love. She had been hurt and had covered herself in some of the some darkness I had, but her's was extremely porous. She could easily escape, but all she needed was a push. So i gave her that push and saw her turn into an extremely strong person, but she left me when she became that person as well as I was of no use to her. That hurt for a long time of course your first love leaving you is an awful experience. The darkness came back a knocking a short time later as a shoulder to lean on. I as stupid as I was leaned on it and it almost brought me back down to it's depths, but Sam and Cameron were there to bring me back. Sam knew of what I was and all the demons inside of me. We had known and experienced things with each other for so long that this was only natural. In the time I spent with Cameron before she was suddenly uprooted from me life, I feel she had an inkling about it but never knew hot to ask. I could read her like a book and knew she too had lived inside the darkness for a time too. She put up many a wall, but as time went on she began to lower them and let me in. Of course as time would have it that crazy bitch took office,and ruined any chances of me tearing down that final wall, but I have a feeling that one day it'll happen. When I came to from my thoughts hours had past and it was late afternoon and i was hungry as shit. I ate sandwich and headed back upstairs. This world and my mind were breaking apart and the only thing you could do right now was hope sleep would guide me away.