Eden.

37.

As I look up at the cloudy blue sky I think of my future specifically my end.
What effect will I have on the lives of others when I die?
Will they think of my smile my freckles my humor?
Will they remember little things about me like my phobia of caterpillars or my love for bubble gum?
Or will they just wallow in puddles of me.

At my funeral I want everyone to wear costumes.
And I want my parents to dress up like grim reapers.
Morbidly funny I know.
I can just see everyone's faces now.
Appalled that anyone would ever do such a horrid thing, when bringing their dead daughters body down the isle.
But I don't care.
I want to get one last laugh in before I'm put in the ground to be a hotel for maggots,or turned into a vinyl, or cremated (I haven't really decided yet).
My mom doesn't like it when I talk about that.

I don't want people to cry at my funeral but I know it's inevitable.
Our human bodies being diminished by life is something we cannot control but it's something we have to accept.
Maybe not with open arms per se, but maybe just a general "I could die any day" type of acceptance.
I think I'm gonna die at 37 and when people ask me why I cant answer. That's just the age I see myself getting to. I don't see anything past that. My mom says everyone my age thinks they are going to die young. She said when she was 20 she thought the same thing but she didn't die. (Obviously because I'm here) I'm not sure why specifically 37 but I know I'm not afraid of it.
I used to be.
not anymore.
Death itself doesn't really scare me it's natural it's a part of life just like living.
It's the life after death part that freaks me out a little. Because I don't know where I'll go.
If there's even anywhere to go.
I'm hoping reincarnation is real.
I want to be a flower.
Not a stupid garden flower.
A wild flower in the middle of the forest that no one can find.
Sprouting in the spring, letting my petals bloom.
Letting the sun be my guide in life.
Letting the rain be my growth.
Letting the earth be my existence.
That sounds like a good life to live.
And if someone happens to find me and pick me I hope they give me to someone they love. Because then at least I will know I died having a purpose.
To spread love.

I've pretty much accepted my fate at this point.
If I die
I die.
But I want people to remember me for the way I am in this moment.
Not a headstone in a cemetery.
I want them to remember how much I love the Beatles and dancing under the stars and poetry and

Them.

I want them to feel my love even after I'm gone.
I don't have many material items to leave behind (that's bullshit my mom says I'm a hoarder in the making) But I can give that.

And if I know you the way I think I do that will be more than enough.

I'm not afraid of 37.