May 26
Ignacia's POV
I sit at my vanity staring at my reflection, singing a classic from Mulan. It's Saturday morning and Svetlana and I don't graduate until 5 o'clock this afternoon. I replay the past week in my head and feel conflicted. There's this desire to rush the next few hours and get there, see the people, and get it over with. But at the same time I want this moment to stop. I don't want to walk that stage and end it all.
To have to say goodbye.
A tear rolls and I see Monday.
I sat in class talking to my friends as usual, Svetlana at my side. Dev approached asking for help on his,mathematics homework. We had the same teacher, and tons of work even though the year was basically over. For a genius he never seemed to do his work. The thing about Dev, was that he was graduating with Honors, he's so much smarter than I am. So why come to me for help all the time lately? I'm barely passing Calc. He practically leads me to the answers on his work, when he supposedly didn't know what he was doing.
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.
Those next few days were an agonizing blur. Not having most of my finals meant I had half days of wasted time. I had the chance to spend time with Ila and experience her unique group of friends. I moved the date of my math final after discussion with my teacher, for 2 reasons:
1) graduation rehearsal would interfere with my test taking time,
2) I wanted to take my test with Dev's class and have a chance to spend more time with him.
It's Saturday, my last day to see Dev before he departs for the summer.
Two more tears.
I dry my eyes and attempt to apply eye makeup for the first time in months. My right eye is finished. Mid left eye, moments begin to cross my mind. Seeing his smile across the room as if we were in slow motion and the only two there. Our fingers grazing and my eyes raising to meet his when I hand him a pencil. That voice that just envelopes me and I could listen for days.
There's black eyeliner and obviously-not-waterproof-enough mascara beelining down my face. I'm not strong enough to hold back this time. I push off the vanity, knocking back my chair, and curl up on the rug at the foot of my bed. Heaving, sputtering and convulsing, making the,most disturbing sounds while my face, hands and shirt are joined by the streams of mucus that accompany my awful ritual.
I don't want him to go. I don't want to lose him. This can't be the end.. it just can't.
After about two hours I think I've run out of tears. I lie on the floor, still curled up against my bed, the feel of a shoe? digging into my side. That doesn't matter. I'm all dried out, broken, and there's no fixing me.
It's about 11:30 when Svetlana bursts through my door.
""Rise and shii-" she stops a few steps into the doorway, "Oh, babygirl, what's the matter?" She's on the floor next to me, looking into my, what I by now assume are, puffy, bloodshot eyes.
It took a cold shower, eyedrops, and all of Svetlana's help to get me ready. at 4 o'clock we were racing into the lineup room to anxiously await our demise. Another local school was leaving as we arrived, their gowns a lovely light blue. Fuckers. Of the three high schools, we got stuck with black gowns. We look like a funeral procession. Why couldn't we get a school color like all the others? We would look like champions in gold robes. But no, the system hates us.
I stand in line with Svetlana, nervous and making small talk with the people around us.
The girl who came to rehearsal drunk is in the line next to me and as amusing as it would have been, unfortunately did not come to graduation in that state.
Time is ticking by slowly. Every time I check my phone it only seems to have been two or three minutes since the last time I looked. My feet are getting sore and there's only more standing when we get into the coliseum.
Dev is all the way across the lineup room and I wish I could see him, but we have to stay in our rows.
As the clock strikes 5 we're taken out row by row over to the coliseum. Being in Row 23, it feels like forever to Svetlana and I.
We march through a tunnel and out into the center of a roaring crowd.
"Holy.. shh-" I can't believe my eyes. I didn't think it would look and sound like a concert, where we were the headlining act.
We take our places and gaze at the marvelous crowd. Cameras flash from every angle, family and friends hollering from high above.
Svet and I sit, not so patiently waiting to cross ourselves, clapping and cheering all our friends who have ll basically been called before us. I hear Dev's name and sit a little higher, smiling because I'm happy for the both of us, when Svetlana elbows me in the ribs, missing by an upward few inches.
I send a scorned look in her direction and she hugs me, apologizing.
After ages of names, scary crowd outbursts, and twin asses falling asleep, our row is finally up.
Nearing the platform I pass Elyza, who luckily got an aisle seat (bitch), and throw her a low peace sign, mumbling, "Whaddup nigguh, let's do dis bitch." Elyza and I just have that friendship.
I hand my name card off and approach the ramp to the stage. This is it. What if I fall? Hundreds of people are watching me.
The graduating class is to my left. As I turn, I spot Dev, front row of the Honors section, right at the stage. He's looking at me and smiles, waving a discrete wave, and I probably blush as I smile back.
Kingsley said, "Who the fuck smiles at the ground?", well I do. Dev is watching me now and I can't help smiling, yes, at the ground. I walk the stage and return to my seat, hoping to end the ceremony as fast as possible so we can speak.
We're ushered out of the building and back to the lineup room to pick up our real diplomas. As I stand inside the foyer watching the crowds outside, everybody so excited to be leaving, I'm stunned it's over.
Something moves in the corner of my eye. I turn and Dev hangs up his phone. There was so much that I had rehearsed, so many words I wanted to say. Now standing before him, that smile, everything.
"I have to go meet my family, but first.. would you like to take a picture together?"
My mouth is in tangles, "Uhm.. yeah, sure."
He hands his phone to his friend who takes the picture, and puts his arm around me.
Why am I so close to tears?
He says he has to go, and I know this is where I should say godbye, but my mind can't let me do that. Some part of me believes this isn't the end.
So instead I let slip an "I'll see you around", though I'm sure that isn't happening.
Before he's out the door, he turns to look back and I gesture for a hug. He wraps his free arm around me. I can feel the cool touch of his skin as his face grazes mine. And fleeting like any perfect moment, he's gone, out the door and lost in the crowd.
