Love.

So he did it again

Wednesday July 9th

It's been years since it happened

But it feels like just yesterday

I don't see my brother much anymore,and to be honest I don't know where he is.It truly drowns me inside and sometimes I cry at night at the thought that he may be gone anytime now,because people seem to die everyday.

He was my father figure,my mother figure,my brother figure,and my only person I trusted figure.

I guess everything goes away eventually,even if it kills you,and sometimes you just gotta let it out and let the tears drip. You gotta sit in your own private misery and watch the pain stay,because you have no other choice.Thats just the way life goes.

But this time this isn't the he I meant.

You see I finally met someone to make me happy :)

He keeps me content when I'm sad and even keeps me all cheerful and for once in my life I feel beautiful...atleast I did..

I finally had someone I trusted,

Finally had someone to call my bestfriend

Even though this kid lived halfway across the country he was mine and I was his.

I was his small fry and shrimp and he was my bum and Big Mac.

We had a whole kind of inside jokes about whale icons and always told eachother everything.

He's always cared about me...crazy right???to think anyone could ever possibly care about me I mean.

I'd been played and rolled over for another girl so many times, because ,I'll admit it myself ,I'm a fucking disaster.

Sorry for the language but it's true.

Let me list things off for you in simplest terms

1) you put me in a crowd of people I shut right the hell up. Social anxiety I guess. I never get tested for anything because my parents don't believe in that stuff. I wear this band around my wrist to grab and play with when I get nervous...I use it a lot in the school hallway,and when I don't have it I panic and reach for it as if it's gonna be there,so people stare at me like I'm trying to scratch my wrist open or something,which makes me just feel more judged, so of course I get more nervous and do it more.

2) self harm. Burning and cutting. 5 years. Stopped now,only because I had to...I seem to have an issue where I care too much.I'll explain that after.

3) the care too much thing. I mean it on many levels...if people don't message me back or I don't hear from them I assume they're mad at me,or something bad happened,so I message a few more times,like 3-5,

if I get nothing by then within a few hours then I get really upset and hurt depending how much I wanted to talk to you. I guess you could call it clingy,but when I have more friends further away that talk to me for hours on end daily and answer ASAP and the people nearby ignore me you can see how it effects me...

makes me feel unimportant...I guess I'm just clingy but idk.it bothers me.

4) I'm a home hermit? I don't want to be...I don't get invited to things really...

I've never been to a party or anything,you know all that crazy stuff teens are supposed to do? I guess I don't have many friends really....

5) depression.

This one I know I have....I can't even deny it,

I cry myself to sleep atleast 3 times a week

and the only way to cure that was to talk to people who made me feel I was worth something,