Denial (A Bensler fanfic)

Breakfast at Olivia's

Elliot woke up the next morning confused of his whereabouts. It was the normal morning disorientation, but after rubbing his eyes and glancing around, he remembered why he had come to Olivia's place- to tell her he loved her. Elliot glanced at his phone, it was 8 o'clock in the morning and he had three missed calls from Kathy- all from last night. Elliot groaned. Was this all a mistake? He sat up, yawning and stretching.

He needed to use the bathroom and so he went and when he was finished he opened the door almost hitting Olivia with it. She jumped in surprise, not expecting him to come out of there. As soon as he saw her and her beauty he knew the answer to his question "was this all a mistake" was a no. This is where he was meant to be. 

"Oh, I didn't mean to scare you, Liv," Elliot said, trying not to laugh at surprising her. She hit him playfully.

"Elliot!" she whined and then they both started laughing. After using the bathroom she went to the kitchen where Elliot was just standing there awkwardly. Olivia chuckled. "I'm going to make some coffee. What would you like for breakfast?" Elliot couldn't help but grin; Liv was so cute in her pajamas and bedhead.

"Coffee sounds great, and anything really," he replied sitting at the bar.

"Alright, then I'll make eggs, bacon and toast," she said preparing the coffee.

"I can help you out," Elliot suggested and Olivia smiled and nodded.

"I'd appreciate that, thanks," she said and Elliot got up from his seat. He hugged Olivia from behind and kissed her neck. "Elliot, what happened to you still being a married man?"

"That was when we nearly had sex. I didn't say anything about not hugging and kissing you," he objected and Olivia shrugged.

"Fair enough, but I'm not kissing you when you have morning breath."

Elliot placed a hand on his chest, feigning hurt. "I do not have morning breath," he said and Olivia raised her eyebrows. "Fine, but you do too." Olivia shook her head, laughing. Then her face took on a more serious expression. 

"What are you gonna do about Kathy?" Elliot frowned. 

"What do you expect me to do? I told her I'm in love with you, Liv. I doubt she's going to forgive me and take me back and quite frankly I don't want her to."

"But El, how can you throw away that many years of marriage? Four children? I just don't get it and I don't want to be a mistake and..."

"Whoa whoa whoa. Don't ever let me hear you say that again. You are not a mistake. Why would you say that?" It hurt Elliot to hear Olivia talk about herself that way. She looked down, embarrassed. 

"I'm sorry. I'm just...I guess I just need to work on the whole self-love thing because I'm still shocked you love me. And I just feel guilty for coming in between you and Kathy." 

"Listen, I'm going to talk to her, okay? Our marriage started falling apart years ago; it had nothing to do with you. And from here it's only to get more toxic. We've been in denial about that. And I can't be with someone I'm no longer in love with when I know the person I am in love with loves me back, you know?" Olivia nodded, understanding what he meant. Elliot took Olivia's hands in his and she looked up at him. "We can start something beautiful," he whispered and Olivia couldn't help but smile. 

"Ok," she whispered and kissed him on the cheek. She didn't know what else to say. Olivia knew Elliot and Kathy had been struggling for some time now, but she still felt guilty for their marriage falling apart. But El was right. How could two people who recognize their love for each other pretend that their love doesn't exist? How can two people in love live in denial of their true feelings? Elliot and Kathy previously had something beautiful, they truly did, but now maybe it was their turn to have something beautiful. But she felt so bad for Kathy...Olivia shook her head, trying to rid her mind of the conflicting thoughts that were racing around. 

"Are you okay?" Elliot asked, a concerned look on his face. 

"Um, yeah. I'm fine," Olivia said turning away from him. 

"Liv, I know when you're lying." 

"You're married, Elliot. You've been married for God-knows how long and Kathy loves and needs you and me...I'm fine!" Elliot was confused and very concerned about the abrupt change in Olivia's mood. 

"I don't know how else you want me to put it. I want to be with you, Liv." Olivia's eyes glistened with tears.

"I'm sorry. I'm just...I'm experiencing a lot of emotions right now and it's kind of difficult." 

"And you're not alone. I am too, trust me. Let's talk about it over breakfast, okay?" So Elliot helped Olivia in the kitchen and as they prepared their meal they kept the conversation more lighthearted. While they ate, they discussed their feelings; How Liv was feeling guilty, how she felt bad for Kathy, and Elliot expressed how he was feeling the same way. After all, he's the one married to Kathy...the realization of him loving Olivia and her loving him back was such a great thing but he is married. Granted that marriage obviously isn't going to last much longer, but still, it hurt Elliot all the same. But what would hurt more is continuing to live in denial of his love for Olivia. His strong and passionate love for Olivia Benson that somehow is mutual. 

After finishing breakfast, Elliot got ready and then left Olivia's apartment and headed for his home where Kathy was with the children. (It was a Saturday.) He had to talk to her.