As the days went by, I began to enjoy waking up in the home less and less.
It wasn't like I didn't want to be here, I just had come to the conclusion, that I could really do nothing to repay them for there kindness.
I would stay up cleaning all night,
Sometimes I would even wake up in my day clothes.
I'd go days in the same outfit, the days of hard work recycling over and over again.
I couldn't be what my family had always thought of me, I had to be better.
Besides, my new family didn't think I was a lazy failure like my old one did, and I wanted to keep that.
I am such a loser, I don't understand why they even gave me a chance to live here.
I don't understand why Sebastian liked me so much, either.
Sometimes I wonder if all that time he was just pretending to enjoy my company.
I'd created a routine of making them all breakfast, and even bringing it to them in bed on occasion.
I could tell throughout the years that Maximillian began to hate me.
I pretended not to let it bother me, but it did either way. I couldn't really let it not bother me, he was Sebastian's kid after all.
I'd be the one to wake him up for school for a while, due to Elisa becoming increasingly more distant.
Maximillion seemed embarrassed whenever I took his mother's place in any situation.
He had never been mean to me, but I could tell I was a burden in his mother's absence.
He didn't have it in his heart to be mean to me even if he tried too.
I really should've stopped trying to get him to like me sooner, it all ended up being a big waste of time after all.
I can't believe I didn't see it sooner.
When I'd walk Maximillion to school, his friends would look at me weird, too.
Back then he had a view on life that everything would just work out. That we would magically get along. That happiness would just come to all of us without any problems.
Through the years I guess he slowly started to realize that that's not how life works.
He kept isolating himself from the family.
It's like he's created an image to show all of us at home, someone who isn't him.
I can feel his sadness almost, I'm sure he already knew about me and his fathers... Relationship.
No. Life definitely isn't happy.
Life will never go the way we all want it to.
No matter how much anyone suffers, it will never change reality.
Thinking about it now, I can't help but sigh.
I couldn't pretend we were living a perfect life when secretly, mine was a living hell.
Nothing will ever be peaceful unless you're alone.
No problems, no fights...
I wonder if even now Sebastian is thinking of me.
Or have I just disappeared from his life in his eyes already?
Has he already forgotten about me?
Gosh, I'm sorry; This, I...
This got, personal fast.
And I never thought I would've done it, I thought I was too weak. You'd be surprised what someone would do for love.
I'm getting lost in my thoughts again.
I've already rewritten this over and over again.
I can still see the crumpled papers in my bin.
My mind is a mess.
Why am I writing this?
It's not like anyone will read this.
Okay. I've taken a moment to breathe.
I really don't feel mentally ready for this. But I have to get it down on paper.
This, this isn't some online novel someone wrote out of boredom.
This... This is a reality!
Something about that house that I remember is...
No matter who was there with me...
This home never felt like a home at all.
I remember how Elisa felt about Sebastian too.
Those two were the cutest couple you'll ever see.
I'm sure Elisa hated me.
But, we both had the same goal, we just wanted Sebastian to be happy.
I don't know why she'd hate me for that, trying to make who we love happy.
I really enjoyed the times we all shared together.
I just wanted Sebastian to feel happiness.
With all of the stress that he had in his life, giving him affection was the least I could do.
He seemed so happy the times when he had me in his arms.
I can't even bring myself to cry, thinking about it leaves me so empty.
Little did I know at the time, that Sebastian would be leaving me sooner than I had hoped.
I can still remember the look in his eyes when he had me slammed into the wall, his hand clenching my hair.
It was all so unlike him, nothing seemed right.
But the things he told me seemed so believable and so real.
I do owe him, I owe him my life.
It was stupid of me to think I could just live happily without repaying a price.
I shouldn't have expected to live a normal life with a family that isn't my own.
Especially living with a mother with another baby on the way.
They really did love each other...
No, it wasn't. It wasn't!
What's wrong with me?
I'm bad at telling what people are feeling but,
I know what they had clearly wasn't love.
I don't know if he ever loved me.
Especially after what he made me do...
My lips were trembling...
"I can't, Sebastian!"
"I can't do this, I won't!"
He had a pill in his hands, a blue one.
"Why?! Who would want to end someone's life?!'
" someone who knows best."
When Sebastian first said those words, I began to sob uncontrollably.
"I... I feel so sick, Sebastian."
"You don't understand, but you must!"
I fell to my knees, sobbing into my hands. I didn't want to look at him. I can't believe this!
I felt his hands on my shoulders, pulling me up to my feet.
"Leave me the fuck alone!" I screeched in his face, my eyes clenched.
I couldn't look, I couldn't say no and look into his eyes.
I could feel his hand grab ahold of my jaw, clenching it.
I heard him whisper into my ear;
"You haven't forgotten our deal, have you?"
Still sobbing, I didn't know why he was doing this to me.
"I'm getting tired of your excuses, Mila."
"I'll... I'll do it! Just let me go!"
He let me go.
"Good girl."
"See?"
"That wasn't so bad, you don't even have to cause her physical harm, all you have to do is smile and do as you're told."
I kept telling myself it was going to be alright, and that I wouldn't have to actually use the pill.
But I knew what I had to do.
I had cried so much, I had to keep washing my face in the bathroom. Yet, I kept returning and looking into the mirror, seeing a murderer.
I walked out of the bathroom for the last time, going out to prepare Elisa's tea, for the last time.
Heading into the kitchen, I began to feel nauseous. I had to get my act together quick, or Elisa would notice for sure.
Though it was a challenge, I kept my act straight.
I could hear my heartbeat to the rhythm of her heels down the hallways to greet me.
I took one last sharp inhale before she came over and sat down at the kitchen table.
After what seemed like hours, her tea was finally done.
I gulped as the tea poured into the white porcelain cup, the steam rising to fill the air with its sweet aroma.
Then I did it, I shakily reached into my dresses pocket.
