All Drained Out

Im Not Ready Yet

It's August.August 19th..
Everyone that was apart of what happened and survived knows that it's hasn't been quite a year.Everyone says I'm lucky to be alive but I don't feel the same.Im not suicidal but sometimes I just wish that I didn't live after that,that I was one of the people that didn't get to live.I say that like they get to play God.No one should ever get to play God,especially not them!!!They don't have the right!!!

I know my mind is a dangerous place but I can't help it.Talking hurts mainly because of them.If you talked then it would ruin their thinking process and if you ruined their thinking process then they would ruin you.Now I'm not saying ruin you like post embarrassing photos of you I mean like stuff that will haunt you forever,stuff that can make your mind seem like the most unsafe place to you.

Sometimes I just want to yell and scream but I know that it's not fair.It's not fair because I got out.I got out and He didn't!It's not fair and I hate him for that!!He is the reason I cry myself to sleep at night because I miss him so much!
How he talked to me like I mattered.How he made me feel like I was the only person in a room with thousands of people.

I eat my breakfast and sit down on the couch,Libby walks over and sits next to me,handing me a cup of coffee and a bagel."Thanks"I say.She nods her head to say you're welcome,not wanting to talk with a mouth full of toast.We sit there in silence until Mason walks in and gestures for Libby to come over to him.As they talk I sit there eating my bagel,looking at the raisins.I hate raisins but I don't care.Its too much work for me to pick them out.

Libby sits back on the couch next to me and Mason in the chair to the right."Hey Ken,would you like to go shopping with"Libby says."Umm sure.."I say with hesitation because Mason and Libby are both staring at me."Okay well let's go then"Libby's says.I run up to change and meet Libby in the car.We drive for about an hour till we reach the mall.I didn't really want to come but I thought it would make Mason and Libby's happy to see me out of the house.

When we get into the mall I notice all the back to school signs and sales,but I ignore them thinking nothing of it.Me and Libby are looking around when she find something and hands it to me"Try this on,it looks like a cute school outfit".When she says that my heart nearly stops."I'm sorry what did you say Lib?"I say almost yell."Well I just thought you would look cute in this"She says."Well no I won't because I'm won't be going to school"I said.

We stared at each other in silence until Libby finally spoke.*Deep Sigh*"I'm Sorry Ken but you have to go to school.It's the law"Libby said then looked down at the floor."You can't make me go because it's the laws fault for what they did to me!What they did to Liam!!"But as I realized what I said and I froze.His name made me wanna cry and scream and just hide.Libby looked at me and said"Who's Liam Ken?".F*ck!Liam..I,I never told anyone about Liam.I can't,it just hurts..

I...I can't remember where I am,I nearly blackout when someone catches me"Ken??KEN?!".I shake it off and find my self leaning against Libby."Ken are you alright??"She says worriedly."What?Oh um yeah,umm can we please go home Libby?"I stutter out."Um yeah sure Ken,Let's pay and then go get some lunch"Libby says.Libby paid for the "Back To School Outfit".We get some lunch and went home.When we got home I went pass Mason and straight to my room.

I don't know what time it is but I wake up to a text from Nolan.I check my phone and it says 2:30am.The text reads"Hey Kenny I snuck out earlier and I need a ride home,can you pick me up?"
I hop out of bed and slip out my window,I get into Mason's Car and reach into the glove compartment because that's where he"hides" his keys.I meet Nolan at the Pizza Planet across town and pick him up.He hops in the car but tells me he said that I'd give Anna  a ride home.

As we drive Anna home I see someone.I thought it was just some guy but I stopped the car and got out.He looked so familiar but I don't know him."Kenny what are you doing!?!?"Nolan yells.I walk up behind the man,not noticing me.I tap him on the shoulder and it's him!It's him and it's all his fault!I can't breath!I just stand there froze.Anna now honking the horn and Nolan Screaming for me to get back in that car..and then it happens!All the memories that i tried to forget come back all at once!

I scream because of everything I remember and the man cups his hand over my mouth.I try to kick and push him away but he doesn't know what to do and pins my arms behind my back.Nolan and Anna are screaming and I'm trying to get away.The man pulls out a gun and everyone stops screaming.He shoots out the streetlights and car headlights.

Before I realize it it's pitch black and I'm off the ground.Im moving but not with my feet.Im over this guys shoulder trying to fight to get away.He puts duck tape over my mouth and binds my hands and wrist together.Im still fighting but eventually I give up.Im so exhausted from fighting that I pass out of shock and fear.

When I wake up I'm in the dark.The man is gone and the all the duck tape is off my mouth,hands,and wrists.A door swings open and the motion censored light flick on.I know where I am know.A place where I never thought I'd have to come back to.A place that brings back so much pain..