Sorry everyone, the interviewer died. That's what happens if you never update anyone on your life. Time passes, and people die.
Things are.... Definitely different. I'm different. I mean, I'm the same person. It's the same body, it's just that everything around me is.... Different. I'm looking back at my ideas and stories from years ago and internally dying a bit with every word. My humor hasn't changed all that much. It's still kinda point-blank and I'm still kinda annoying. I guess some things never change.
These past few years, I've been figuring out more and more about myself. For example, I suck at a lot of basic human functions. I've twisted my ankle at least once every year since I was 8. I've figured out that I'm not a tomboy. I'm FTM transgender. I prefer the name I know now that there's more than Gay and Straight. There's Bisexual, Pansexual, Omnisexual, Demisexual, and way, way, WAY more. I personally identify as pan. I'm come to terms with the fact that I'm probably going to die alone.
I still like reading, but I'm not that good at it anymore. I can still read, don't get me wrong, but I just get distracted so easily. I zone out during audiobooks. Anytime I try to read, I get a few pages in, yawn about twice, and end up falling asleep. I have books that I want to read but I haven't even opened Page One, much less looked past the copyright page. It's weird, seeing things that I used to enjoy, and just.... Not.
I can barely write anymore. I get into moods where I want to write but I just don't know what TO write. I roleplay, sure, but my responses are so mundane that I wonder how I even keep contact anymore. Why don't they drop me? Why do they waste their time for my shitty responses? Just my freshman year, I had this huge elaborate plan for Dreams, a story about an angel, and this girl, and it was going to be set in a place that I named "Bellanoir"- Literally Beautiful Black, in French. I was a creative person. Now I can't even be properly creative.
I'm learning how to play ukelele now. It's kinda cool. There's so many songs that I can play on guitar but they just sound so much better on a uke.
I've tried getting into more fandoms. I've failed almost miserably. 90% of my fandoms are musical fandoms: Heathers, Hamilton, Dear Evan Hansen, Be More Chill, and 21 Chump Street. Not much else, to be honest.
I miss getting excited. Sure, I'll have bursts of wild excitement, but I can't help but feel empty. Things that used to make me want to conquer the world have no effect on me. I honestly don't know what to feel about that.
I've practically given up on relationships. I'm glad that the people around me are happy, but I'm afraid that even if someone ends up liking me, they'll change their mind, or we'll be married and they'll want an affair because I'm just not satisfying, or they'll divorce me. I think I make a better friend than lover to everyone anyway.
I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I wanted to be a writer, but it won't bring in much money, and that creative streak I once had has faded to practically nothing. Maybe I can still open my own café, or I can be a teacher or something. I don't really know anymore.
I thought I wrote more words than this. It was almost 2 am when I started writing this. I fell asleep, and now it's almost 11 in the morning. I guess this is goodbye for now.... I'll update this again sometime within the next five years. We'll see how much has changed then.
