My existential crisis

day 42 of my relapse

'' Mr and Mrs Andrew, I'm scared that we will have to pass to chemical treatments, Winter mental state is not going so well and it's only getting worst. I'll be honest with you and go straight to the point, we think that antidepressants is the more preferable solution.''

'' But Doctor Morgan, antidepressants are risky for a young girl like winter i mean, she is only 17''

Mom's voice craked at the end of this sentence and if I could actually feel something beside this emptiness and get out of this depressive mood right now, I'm sure it would be compassion. Mom has been there for me until the start , my dad is always away in his meetings, she gave everything away to take care of me and raised me almost as a single mom but look where I am today, how selfish am I? She can't even look at herself in a mirror becaue she say that she fails at everything, she cries at night in her bedroom when she thinks I'm asleep but of course she ignor that I know all of this because when i'm around she always flash a smile so I don't have to worry about her. To be honest, my mom should probably be under medications.

'' Mrs Andrew, we think that Winter is having suicidal thoughts-''

No, you don't say! Isn't why the reason were here today?

'' and we tried to make her feel better without chemical references but it isn't working. We tried to get her to see many of differents psychologist and specialists, we tried group support and we even tried to put her in communication with a girl around her age with the same mental state but I'm scared it isn't enough, Winter's state isn't improving and it's not even stable or controled.''

''Winter never been really good at making friends''

Thanks mom! ...they sat me on this chair in this waiting room while they are having a meeting with Dr Morgan and his team but it looks like they haven't understand yet that this door and those walls aren't insonorized. She is still right, I've never been really good at making friends but Dr Morgan said that then again, isolation was a side effect of depression.

''Anyway for Winter health and also yours, it would be better if we put her under medication, we know how stressing it is for a parent to have a depressive child and trust me, it would supress a lot of weight off your shoulders, you could finally sleep at night without having to worry of Winter's hapiness every seconds of it. Also, if she wants to get out of here, we have to do something because she can't go out like this.''

And with that, I lost it , my thoughts became too louds I couldn't hear them anymore, i'm just staring at this disgusting white wall ahead of me thinking about how ugly this center is and that those plain walls are probably not helping those already troubled, patients mental health. Seems like every boring places have these same white walls, every places where there should be a bit of joy or color there isn't. I mean, school, hospital, reabilitation center and the list goes on. Seems like our negativity just washed the colors off those walls to exteriorize our feelings. Or maybe that colorful paint is just more expensive, I don't know...

So basically if I want to, one day, esacpe those dreadful walls, I have the option to take drugs so I can forget my feelings and we will intesifie my dose each years so that one day I won't feel a thing, or, i shoot everyone working here and get out. I prefer option two but I guess option one is a bit more peaceful.

'' I guess that's the only option left then..''

My mother voices snapped me out of my trance

Great, just great! I don't really care about taking med to be honest or even to become emtionless because if you ask me , I'm already dead but the thing is, my mental illness has always been a really tabou subject in my family, we never talk about it and it's good with me but I would like my parentsto ask about my opinion, after all those are my choices. I hate the way people think that just because im depressive, I lost all the indepedency I had and that I'm not able to take serious decisions anymore. I hate the fact that they think I'm too weak to face my problems.Now they are in a room, talking about my mental state and a possible solution without me, they are bright tough, I have to admit it, manipulating my parents so they can put more pressure on me so I can give in and take those medications.

I honestly think that I'm a lost soul and I went into an infinity where i didn't belong. Planet earth isn't my place, i'm telling you.If I'm not then I don't see how you can explain this I mean, I'm 17, have a life ahead of me , I could have a futur if I wanted to, I have tree meals a day and a bed to sleep in at night, I got everything I need to be happy, all the things that really matter so why do i feel this way? You know what sucks the most about depression? You always feel selfish , selfish because you know that you have no right to feel this way. You are here, feeling lonely,sad and empty while some people are fighting for their life, working all day to maybe, be able to feed their family tonight with the only meal of the day. Even if they say i shouldn't feel like this, that it's ok to feel sad and depressed as long as you do something about it, I still do. I feel bad for all those people but then again, Dr Morgan says that guilt is a side effect of dysthymia.

So I can stop feeling pain, I built my own home inside my head.I no longer live, I just breathe to survive.