r e f l e c t i o n | 김 남준

Six

If you want, I'll try to love again

April 26th, 2015

Jangmi was concerned at the amount of time she spent getting ready for her hang out with Namjoon. She had actually curled her hair and spent twenty minutes standing in front of her closet trying to find something to wear.

It had been arranged when she went to get gas the previous night. They were talking about plans for the weekend and found that neither were religious so their Sundays were free. Sharing a mutual love of literature, they settled on going to the new bookstore in Itaewon.

She walked into the living room to grab her purse after Namjoon had texted her saying that he was outside. Her heart pounded without permission—why was it doing that? She didn't like it. And she wasn't aware of Jin's presence until a very distinct scoff came from the couch.

"I have never seen you dressed so conservatively for a date. Ever," he teased with a smirk. "You really like this guy, huh?"

She furrowed her eyebrows and looked down at her flowing shirt, jeans, and converse. "It's not a date," she muttered.

"Uh huh." Jin shrugged from where sat. "I suppose I'll hear your moans through the walls again, so I'll stay at Jungkook's."

Her cheeks burned crimson as she snatched her purse and opened the door. "We're just friends, jackass!"

Jangmi ignored the snide remark he made as the door slammed shut behind her. She let out a pent-up sigh and made her way to the elevators down the hallway. On the ride down, she found herself taking deep breaths and shaking the tension from her hands. She had hung out with Namjoon plenty of times before at his place of work.

So why did she feel so nervous?

The elevator doors slid open to give her way into the complex lobby. She took quick strides and pushed out of the building. As promised, Namjoon was standing there on the street, squinting slightly in the sun. Once he spotted her, his face broke into a dimpled smile that was almost enough to make her cold heart melt.

"Hey!" he said as she approached him.

She only stood there smiling up at him, not knowing if a hug was appropriate. He was just so tall. They almost always sat together whenever they talked, so she wasn't used to feeling so small under his gaze. And his hair was pushed back and he had on some nerd glasses and he just looked so cute she couldn't handle it.

Her thoughts were cut short when he scooped her into a tight hug. It was unexpected, to say the least, and she found herself just standing there tensely. It was only when he spoke in an anxious tone that she relaxed.

"Sorry—um—is this okay?"

She snaked her arms around his back and sighed into his chest. "Yeah. Yeah, it's okay."

Maybe it was because she'd never had anyone to hold her like that, but being in Namjoon's arms made her feel so safe. Having been a neglected and abused child, she found it the most comfortable to push people away. It was easier like that, as she wouldn't get hurt.

But now, here in his arms, she wasn't afraid. She wanted more.

After moving past their moment, the two went to the bookstore as planned. They scanned the aisles and pointed out books that they thought would be fun to read. And she would try to ignore his small touches, like a fleeting hand on her back as they read the description of a story together, or how he lightly tugged at her hand only to let go when he wanted to show her something.

Jangmi was no fool.

Namjoon had definitely been there before.

He wanted to take her there.

But she still refused to believe that it was anything romantic. If it was a date, she wouldn't have known, as she'd never been on one. Any 'dates' she'd been on ended in meaningless sex. The farthest she'd gone in a relationship was friends with benefits.

And then he held her hand.

She looked up at him in shock as his slender fingers tangled with her own. But he refused to look at her. He only stared ahead or at the bookshelf or anywhere but her eyes, a blush dusting his cheeks slightly. In the movies, dates always included hand-holding and chaste kisses. He's not going to kiss me, she thought with determination.

A while later, he hadn't let go of her hand even though their palms had grown sweaty. A book caught her eye. She picked it up and looked it over. Scars by Jamie Carpio. After reading the description, Namjoon's head far too close to her own as he read over her, she wanted it even more. But upon checking the price, she set it back down.

"Man, why is everything so expensive these days?" she mumbled before turning away. As she walked, she felt resistance from him. She turned to look at the gentle giant, who was staring at the book in deep thought. "It's okay, Namjoon. Just way overpriced."

He didn't respond for another moment before glancing at her with a smile. "Back in my day, you could buy a book for a couple bucks."

"We're the same age, dummy," she teased as he returned to her side and gave her hand a squeeze as he laughed.

His touch sent a jolt of electricity through her. Yet it wasn't enough. She wanted to be much closer to him than that. Though she couldn't. She didn't want to scare him off. Here was the first guy who was interested in actually getting to know her rather than the color of her underwear. There was no way she was going ruin this.

Even so, as he walked her back to her apartment—hands still intertwined—she couldn't help but fight back the urge to let go of his hand and run away. It was all so new to her and while she loved every bit of it, it was also scary as all hell.

Once outside the large building, Namjoon disconnected their hands to pull her in for another hug. This is it, she thought. If he's going to kiss me, he'll do it now. But he's not going to kiss me. The hug lasted just as long as the first one, with neither of them saying anything.

Then he pulled away and smiled down at her. And pulled away more until they weren't touching. She faltered. He's not going to kiss me?

"Let's do it again," he said with a warm expression as he back away.

She nodded, forcing a smile. "Yeah. See you in a few days."

His laugh rang around the street. "Yep. see you!"

And then he was gone, walking down the street, away from her. She was left utterly disappointed, but there wasn't much she could do. Only wait it out and hope he asked her out soon. Either that or leave her alone so she won't have to feel this way.