He was bored and felt depressed again. I was upset because of something stupid that happened earlier that day. It was because my mom had made me feel like shit so I felt sad and angry.
He said we should spar. He's into it by I suck at it so I'm not that into it. But we started and then I messed up which made me feel awful and It discouraged me so I wasn't into even more. He got upset because he wanted to spar but I didn't want to anymore. And the fact that he was bored made it worse. Because the only thing he wanted to do was some thing that I didn't want to do. And now he had nothing to do but leave the house entirely.
"Since you don't want to do it then I'm not going to make you." He said sharply. He didn't mean to make me feel bad for it. I knew he didn't. But it made me angry and upset and myself because I just wanted him to be happy and I wasn't making it any better.
I said nothing, I just took off the gloved and shinguards.
"I'm leaving." He said simply. I felt even more upset after he had made this clear.
"Where are you going?" I asked. Thinking he would say the gym or something.
"I don't know. I'm just going." He stated.
I started to tear up as he walked away. I sat on the couch on the other side of the basement. He didn't mean to make me feel like this. I just was like this. It didn't matter whether he meant to distress me with his words or not. I was just this sad little excuse for a friend that wanted to help him get better.
He sat on the other couch for about 2 or 3 minutes until he called out to me.
"Destiny?" His voice was loud in the room.
"Yeah." I replied trying to sound like I wasn't crying and wasn't a piece of garbage. I'm always afraid that if he didn't do anything wrong, and I start crying, that he'll think I'm trying to 'play the victim'. When in reality I'm just an over emotional piece of shit that can't express her feelings. I cry anytime I feel any thing other than happiness.
Angry at yourself? Cry.
Upset that you suck at something? Cry.
Afraid of something? Cry.
Frustrated with something stupid? Cry.
Literally any minor inconvenience? Cry.
I'm not trying to make him feel bad for anything. I'm just a emotional girl with zero self control when it comes to crying.
"Come here." He replied simply.
I wiped my tears as best I could and walked over to the other couch.
"Why are you sitting over there pouting? I didn't yell at you." He stated.
"I know. I just..." I sighed after I realized I wasn't going to be any help of explaining my own thought process on my I was sitting over there.
"I'm just bored and you didn't want to do it so we aren't doing it. I already told you that." He scooted over so I could sit down.
"When do you leave?" He asked.
"I don't know." I spoke softly.
"Well I'll be back by 10 so you better be here when I get back."
I felt bad for not being what he needed and I was getting upset again.
"I'm sorry you're bored..." I said softly again.
"It okay." He replied, getting up from the couch.
"....And I'm sorry I'm not everything you want me to be.." I felt like shit for saying it because it was true I wasn't what he wanted, he needed someone better than me.
"No it's fine. You're super cool and why would I want you to be here when I get back if I didn't want you here?" He was behind the couch now and I just wanted to cry because he said that and probably ment it but he didn't need me, I was no good for him.
"No, I-" I started to talk again but he cut me off.
"No it's fine, Destiny. I'm just bored and depressed and I'm just gonna go do some drugs." He finished the discussion.
I was still as heartbroken as ever. He was depressed because I wasn't something he needed. I know I wasn't the thing he needed. But I was too selfish to tell him that he needed to find someone better for him. I still loved him and I didn't want to live without him. I'm selfish and I would hate myself and my life if I told him that and he actually did it because he realized that I was right and he'd just forget about me. I didn't want that.
He got up his things and started to walk to the stairs to leave.
I quickly walked over to him to give him a hug. "Be careful." I said letting go of his torso.
"I'll be fine, it's like what the 600th time?" He smiled lightly. He was referring to the fact he would be driving high on marijuana for probably the 600th time. But it was overcast and there was no doubt that it would be storming at sometime soon.
"Yeah but it's probably gonna storm and it could get bad and it might rain really hard so be careful please." I said as he was halfway up the stairs.
"Okay. See ya later." He said almost gone.
"Bye.." I said as he disappeared from my view from the bottom of the stairs.
I felt sad again. I walked over back to the couch we were sitting on before. I started to cry again because I just wanted to be the thing he needed most but I wasn't and I could only sit in silent cried.
Until I started to right this.
